So Fast

This picture makes me kinda sad. Tomorrow she will be 3 weeks old, and already I feel like she is getting so big and becoming this whole other person. I can look at her earlier pictures, and then look at this one, and it's crazy how much she has already changed. It kind of makes me want to cry when I think about her getting bigger. I almost started bawling when I thought about her being Hayden's age and walking around and talking and everything. John thinks I'm a little crazy (ok maybe more than a little) but I just can't bear the thought right now. It makes me think of that Lonestar song " let them be little, 'cause they're only that way for so long". I know that she will be little for a long time still, but it already seems like it is going too fast.

I love how tiny and cute you are Avery. Please don't grow up too fast. I already feel like your sisters did, and I need you to stay tiny for a while longer.

What's In A Name?

So I just wanted to do a quick little post about Avery's name. I had decided on the middle name Joy as soon as I knew she was a girl. It's my mom's middle name, and I have always loved it and wanted part of her name to be after my mom since I am so close to her.

However, it took FOREVER to come up with her first name, and for a while I was worried that she was going to be born and we still wouldn't be able to come up with one. Well, on Sunday, Aug. 28, I was lying in bed sick and just thinking about what we were going to name her. John and I had gone over and over the list of names I had come up with, and while we liked several of them, none of them had stood out as "The One". You know, the name that you come across and there's that little "Aha" moment where you realize that's it. Well after thinking and looking at my list, I was feeling really discouraged so I finally decided I should pray about it (Duh!). I started telling my Heavenly Father how there were several names that I liked, but none of them felt like her name and I was worried I wasn't going to figure out what her name was supposed to be. Almost immediately, the thought came to me "Her name is Avery". I almost started crying because I felt such peace and relief that I finally knew what her name was. The funny thing was, when I was on the phone with my mom on the drive to the hospital Monday night, I told her we finally knew what we were going to name her. She asked me what, and I said Avery. My mom said "Avery! That's the name I was trying to remember when I talked to you the other day!" I said, well I guess she really was meant to be Avery. Funny how things work out. Now when I look at her, I can't imagine having named her anything else. While I really liked the other names on my list, she is most definitely Avery.

My Grandma

Today my Grandma Greer had cancer surgery. It has been really stressful knowing that she was going to have to have it, and I am glad that everything went great. I am so thankful that she had her surgery not only at one of the top cancer hospitals in the world, but at the hospital my husband works at. John was able to go back with her and keep her company until she went to sleep. He couldn't stay for the actual surgery, since you're not allowed to operate on people you're related to. It was nice being able to get updates from him throughout the day on how her case was going, and what was going on.

I know this is an older picture from Christmas, but I just think it's a really cute one. :)

John told me a really cute story. He said that before my grandma got put under she was saying she wished she could have a little drink of something to wet her lips. Of course, he told her they couldn't allow that. Then he told my grandpa that he should wet his lips, and give her a big wet kiss to help her out. And he did! Haha! My grandparents are so cute. :)

While it makes me sad that they had to take the nerve along her left side of her jaw when they took the tumor out, I am thankful that she was operated on by one of the best surgeons in the state. John said that they did an amazing job on the closure too, and that it was going to look really good when it is all healed. I am hoping to go visit her in the next day or so. I told her that Hayden and I would come by and visit while the other kids are in school, so it's not too overwhelming. She has to stay there for 10 - 14 days, so I'm glad I live so close so I will be able to stop by periodically and keep her company. (That's assuming I don't have this baby in the near future, but so far it's not looking likely.)

I love my grandma so much. It makes me sad to see my grandparents getting old and frail. I know I am lucky. Most people my age don't still have their grandparents, and I still have all 4. I think it has just been a reality check for me that they won't really be around forever. I know when I was younger I used to joke to my grandma that she couldn't die, because she had to be around for my kids because I didn't want them to miss out on knowing her. Now with all the health issues she has, and the fact that she is losing her memory, it makes me sad to know that my kids are going to miss out on the amazing grandma that I knew. The one that used to tell me all the cool storied about when she was a little girl, and stories about my mom, and sing songs to me all the time. There is one song that she sang all the time, an Irish lullaby, and I have sung it to all my kids all the time since they were born. I want to pass stuff on to them like that. So they can sing it to their kids one day, even though they missed out on hearing it from my grandma. I miss being able to sit and talk to my grandma for hours about just anything. I know that I can sit and talk with her now, but it's not the same. She's not that same person anymore, and she gets confused or doesn't remember stuff all the time. She is excited about the baby though. It was nice to have her rub my stomach and talk to her while I was over last night. She was really excited to know that she's a girl, and that I will bring her over as soon as I have her and I can come over.

I'm glad that we went over there last night, before she had her surgery today. I wasn't going to, because I didn't want to stress her out with all the kids like my extended family seems to keep insisting, but John said I should because she was having major surgery and you never know what will happen. While I was mad that he would say something like that, I'm glad I went over and spent the time with her. It was nice just to see her, and hug and kiss her, and visit for a while. The kids behaved, and I know that she likes seeing them even if she can't always remember who each of them is. She is still so happy to see them and so loving to them. I want them to be able to have some time with her while they can. I am so glad that I pushed John to apply for the job out here and move here. I really feel like this whole cancer ordeal has a lot to do with why we felt we were supposed to come out here. While the thought of losing her, or any of my other grandparents, scares me, I am thankful that I live so close to all of them now and can get as much time with them as I can while I can. And I'm thankful to know that no matter what happens, after this life we will have all of eternity to be together.

Depressing Post About Depression

*** I have been struggling for a while, and just wanted to get everything out, so this is just a warning that if you don't want to hear about depression or anything like that, you can just skip this post. ***

Lately my depression has been really hard on me. I feel like I am either totally down and in a black hole, or just yelling and being a total wench. I keep telling myself I only have like 5 weeks or less to go, but in the moment that doesn't really do anything. I know that I am going to have to talk to my Dr. about it on Wednesday, but I don't know what it will really matter. I can't take anything while I'm pregnant, and I'm only 35 weeks on Wednesday so it's not like I can have her early so I can start taking something to get this under control. I just feel kinda hopeless right now. I feel like it's always right on the edge. Like just sitting here typing this I could totally bawl my eyes out, if I just let myself.

I try to find stuff to do, to try and keep myself preoccupied so I don't dwell on how I'm feeling too much, but it is really hard because I feel so overwhelmed with all the stuff I need to do before the baby is born. Or maybe I should say, all the things I *feel* like I need to have done before she gets here. I have a whole list, and I think I have maybe a couple things crossed off. I can't even look at it because I just feel even more overwhelmed and stressed out, and it's like a downward spiral. It makes me worried, because if I am doing so bad now, how much worse am I going to be once she is born? I have struggled with PPD with all my kids. With Hayden it was really bad, but I also went back to school when he was only 4 months old so that added to the stress. It got to where John and I were fighting all the time, I was a jerk to everyone, I quit going to church for like 7 months. I even got another tattoo. I'm talking a big one too, like almost across my shoulder blades. I just really felt like I was out of control. Sometimes we would be driving somewhere and stop and a light, and I would seriously consider just stepping out of the car in to traffic. I felt like I just wanted to climb out of my skin. But I don't remember really struggling with my depression while I was pregnant in the past. I mean, I have struggled with depression as long as I can remember, but I always felt like while pregnant it wasn't even a tenth as bad as it usually is. Also, I think the added excitement of a boy (finally! after 3 girls!) really pushed me through. But after he was born I became even more compulsive than I normally am (and I am total OCD). I held him every second unless I was going to the bathroom or showering, I had to check on him literally every 5 minutes, etc. I tried a couple different meds. to see if they would help with my depression/anxiety, but they made me not sleep. I felt like I was on speed. I was constantly jittery and I could end up being up until 5 in the morning. Let me just tell you, Depression + Anxiety + Jittery + No Sleep= EXTREMELY BAD! That's where I think things started to go downhill. Then the next med. I tried was the opposite. I felt like a zombie. I could barely function or get out of bed. I would be awake enough to make sure the kids were ready and out the door to school (luckily they could walk, since we lived a block away) and then I would go back to bed and I could literally spend the whole day there. I would just bring Hayden to my bed to nurse and snuggle, and then put him back to bed and fall back into a coma. I could barely make it to get up and dressed before the kids got home from school and John got home maybe 1/2 an hour later, sometimes right when they got home. I took one more that seemed to help, or at least didn't affect my consciousness in the extreme that the other 2 did, but eventually I just gave up and quit taking anything.

This time around, with it affecting me so much through my pregnancy, I really worry about afterward. I have no way of knowing if post labor I will be doing better or worse, but if it is worse it is going to be a nightmare. So, as I said I will talk to my Dr. on Wednesday and see what he has to say. Maybe if we go into this expecting it to be awful, we will be able to have a plan to deal with it.

The other thing that is stressing me out is that John starts back to school next month. His actual start date is 2 days before my due date. I don't have any plans to go to my due date, because if it comes down to it, pretty much any Dr. will induce you at 39 weeks. Especially since this is baby #5 for me. But still, it is going to be added stress of him working full time and going to school. Plus the schedule he is going to have is 2 weekdays, plus every Saturday. So pretty much I am going to be a single mom of 8 kids, ages newborn to 13. I haven't said anything to John, because I know how important this is. We really need him to finish school. I know that it won't just be hard on me, since working full time and going to school is so hard to do, but I just have to remind myself of that and suck it up because once he's done it is going to at least double our income, if not more. I had really hoped that I would be able to convince my mom to come and stay with me when I have the baby, and for a little while after, but so far she has said she's not going to. It's frustrating to me because I don't have anyone here that will be helping me. I don't even know what I'm going to do with my kids when I have to be in the hospital. I guess I will just have to leave them home to watch themselves, but it freaks me out because I have no idea how long I will end up being in labor and I don't like the idea of Hayden being home with the kids for a long period of time. But I don't know anyone to watch them, and I don't know what else to do. Maybe it makes me a jerk, but it makes me mad that my mom hasn't agreed to come out here and watch them. She doesn't work and she doesn't have anything else she has to be doing instead, she just won't. So apparently she thinks it's better for me to leave my 23 month old home with 6 older siblings ages 5 - 13, for who knows how long, than for her to have to come out here. It is stressing me out so much I feel like I am going to cry and freak out just writing this. I told John maybe we will have to bring Hayden to the hospital with us, because how could I relax and make it through labor knowing that he was without an adult for that long? I couldn't! I don't know my neighbors, and I don't have any friends here, so that's not an option. Maybe I will have to bring them all with me, and they will just have to hang out with John in the waiting room, and he can come back and forth between there and my room. I don't know. I guess if it comes down to it, that would be better to me than leaving them at home. There is no one here that I would want to watch my kids, so I don't see what other choice there is.

Ok, well that is all I am going to write for now because now that I am looking at this in black and white, instead of just trying to ignore the thoughts in my head, it is stressing me out even more and I am going to start crying and have a major anxiety attack.

Quick Message

So I have been wanting to write several posts on here, but I haven't really been able to be online lately. For some reason, with this pregnancy every time I play on my laptop or my phone it makes me so nauseous I can't function, sometimes for hours. It's hard, because I have a lot going on that I want to talk about, but not enough time. I guess I will just settle for a little post now, before I start feeling sick, and then I will do a little bit at a time when I can.

The kids went back to school today. They had been on Spring Break, and since they have year round school here, they were off for two weeks. Hailey enjoyed getting to bring home the class fish for 2 weeks. Actually I think Hayden loved it the most. I have been considering getting a fish, just because whenever he was throwing a tantrum or having a meltdown I could just be like, Do you want to look at the fishy? and he would immediately stop crying and laugh and point at the fishy. He loved it and wanted to look at it all the time.

It has been really nice and quiet this morning. Amelia and Hayden slept in, without the older kids to wake them up. Hayden is usually a really late sleeper, getting up around 9 or so, but the kids kept waking him up around 7 while they were off. It sucked, because he would be a little terror all morning because he wasn't getting enough sleep.

We are moving to Phoenix this weekend. On the 20th we went to church at what would be our new ward, and everyone was great and we really liked it there. It was nice that they have such a huge primary, since the ward we are in right now is so small. The new ward has such a large primary, they have opening exercises in the chapel. It's weird that they have church 2 - 5. I have never heard of meeting at that time. While I was there, I was able to meet with the Primary presidency to make sure that we will still be able to have Brooklyn's baptism April 30th. I was worried that moving was going to mess that up. We have family coming from different states, and that was the one day I could get everyone here.

I am so not feeling this move. Not that I don't like the house, or where we are moving to, I just really don't want to move. Like the actual packing and moving part. I need to have the house packed by Friday, and I am nowhere near being done. So far I have only done the master closet (which is actually a lot, it's about the size of one of the kids' bedrooms), the playroom, the office, the family room (dvd's and stuff) and most of my home decor. It seems like there is still so much to do. I have been filling out the paperwork for the new school (times 5) so that I can turn it in Friday. They said as long as I get it in by Friday, they will be able to start on Monday and they won't miss any days of school.

Well, there is a lot more that I want to say, but I am starting to feel sick and I really need to pack. I guess I will try to get on here later tonight, or tomorrow, and try writing some more.

Smell Ya Later!

I forgot to add the best part of having my house back - A SPOTLESS HOUSE!

Yes that does merit all caps! If I had before/after pictures to show you, especially of my carpet you would know why! Man, it was driving me crazy because it was really starting to look like crap around here, and since moving here I have (I think) done a really good job of keeping my house decent, if not spotless. However, adding 5 people totally changes that. My carpets were so disgusting I couldn't stand it. Some people didn't think anything about letting their kids carry drinks and stuff around outside of the kitchen, or wearing filthy work boots on my floors. Things I never allow, and tried not to allow with our company, although apparently unsuccessfully. It is hard to keep a house clean when you have a bunch of people staying with you that hangout in all of the living areas of the house, but only clean up their room and have their daughter do the dishes once a week. The rest of it was left to me and the kids. Ugh! Like I don't have enough to do already.

Now, before this turns into a total complain blog, I just want to say I have been really impressed with how hard my husband and kids worked to get my house back in order and to keep it that way. John shampooed ALL the carpets in the entire house. It took 2 bottles of cleaner, but almost 1 full bottle was used just cleaning the room our guests were staying in. I rearranged the girls' room, and put everything back where it used to go. I used lemon cleaner to wipe down all the wood furniture (oh that smells sooooo good!!), all the floors got mopped and the bathrooms got scrubbed. It was like an exorcism for our house, but for dirt. Haha

Of course, the laundry room is another story . . . . Sigh. Although it is getting better. I sorted through my 5 million boxes of kids clothing, and got out all the kids' summer clothes. I figure since it's been in the 80's all week, and is supposed to stay that way, that we don't really need winter clothes out anymore. So I packed up what they had clean in their rooms, and then I have just been sorting it out of the laundry as I get it done. It is just so hard to keep up on laundry for this many people! I feel like I am doing a million loads of laundry every day. I really don't know what to do differently to make it less of a huge chore. What I really wish was that we could get another washer and dryer! My laundry room is HUGE and it has more than enough room for another set. I could probably fit a couple more sets in, if I didn't have a couple freezers and a laundry sink in there. It is the size of a decent kids bedroom, and I love it!! Anyway, I am hoping that I can convince John that we need another set, because that would definitely cut down on how much time is spent on the stupid laundry. I told John that someday, when we build our own house, we are going to have basically a laundromat in our house. An entire room of industrial washers and dryers that can do a bunch of laundry at once, and not take forever. Oh, if only it was going to be someday sooner.

Speaking of which, I better go switch the laundry over and start another load . . . . . . .

Alone At Last - Sort Of

You hear that? Sweet Silence.

It's the sound I have been enjoying during nap time every day, since our company moved out. Back in January, we had some friends move in with us. It was a high school friend of mine, and her husband and three kids ages 11, 3, and 8 months. They were living in another state and having major problems, so we offered to have them come and stay with us to help them get on their feet. They moved in the beginning of January, with the intent to stay until June so her 11 year old daughter could finish out the school. year since it would be her 6th school this year. While I really felt like it was what we should do to help them, I honestly have to say I am glad that they ended up moving out after about 12 weeks.

While I knew that it would be stressful having another family living in my house, I don't think I appreciated just how much of a struggle it would be. In the beginning it wasn't so bad, because it was new and everyone was on their best behavior. Well, as much as possible for 10 kids and 4 adults. However, slowly people started getting on each other's nerves, and things really went downhill once they got their own place. They got it back in February, but it wasn't going to be ready until March. I really felt like once they knew they were getting another place, things just went to crap. I almost felt like it was like, now that we know we're not going to need you we don't have to be as nice as we were. The worst was her 11 year old daughter, who was sharing a room with my 3 girls so she didn't have to be stuck in a room with her parents and the two little boys. She was constantly being a jerk to my daughters and saying mean things to them, and pitting them against each other and lying. I'm not saying my girls are perfect, and they had their fair share of being little butts too, but it was frustrating that I felt my friend is totally in denial about her daughter's behavior. All little kids at least occasionally lie and act like jerks to each other, but my friend seems to think that her kid is the exception to that and that she NEVER does. It was so frustrating to me because several times my husband and I stood there watching her lie to her mom's face, and she just couldn't accept that it was possible. Even when I was the one telling her that I was right there and here is what happened, etc. It got to the point where everyone was living in the same house and avoiding each other. Well, except her husband, who was really laid back and didn't really do anything other than go to work and sleep. By the time they were moving out I was pretty much counting the days and couldn't wait for them to leave, because of all the drama her daughter was causing with my kids. I guess it affected me more than I thought, because last night after John talked about getting together with them so they can get a bunch of stuff that they left at my house, I had nightmares about her daughter. Haha. Pretty lame, but I guess my subconscious knows that I have no desire to get together with them and see them, even if I am trying to be nice and act like I do. It's hard because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I really feel like living together did hurt our friendship. We weren't super close friends or anything, just casual friends from high school who we felt like we should help out, but it is still kinda sad. I just tell myself that I have so much other stuff I have to deal with that is more important, that I just have to accept that not all friendships are meant to be lifelong friendships.

Update

Man, I haven't posted on here in forever! I don't even know where to start! I guess I will do a little family update, and then do individual posts with pictures when I get the chance.

Since my last post, we:

1. Celebrated Thanksgiving with my dad's whole family. It was a lot of fun, because in addition to my parents being here, Robyn and Jacob's families came down. I hadn't seen Robyn in over a year, and I finally got to meet my new niece.

2. Celebrated Christmas with my moms family. We did Christmas morning at our house, and then spent the afternoon/evening at my grandparents house. Afterwards, we went with Kim to this really cool house in Phoenix that you can walk through their yard and they have TONS of lights.

3. The week after Christmas, my ex-in-law's came down from Utah to stay with us for a few days. It was nice to have them. I love them a lot, and we had a lot of fun taking the kids to the zoo and just hanging out.

4. New Years wasn't that exciting, because we spent it by ourselves. We spent most of the night eating, watching tv, and watching John tape off the kitchen to paint.

5. On January 4th, Hailey turned 11. It was pretty traumatic - for me anyway. Ha!

She was excited to get "teenager stuff" like body wash, and her very own purse complete with pens, paper, and gum.

6. We had lots of "fun" dealing with black mold when a leak in the kids' bathroom started pouring into the garage, and everything had to be gutted. Thank goodness for renting! It was a miserable couple of weeks freezing because it was so cold in the house due to the huge HOLE in the floor of the bathroom!

7. We are considering moving. I know that is crazy, but so is John's commute. It takes him an hour or more to get home. And the HOA that has been harassing us for various, ridiculous reasons. We have found a house we really like that is really close to John's work, and it's cheaper than where we are now. So it would save us rent money and gas money. Not to mention that it would cut John's commute down to a third of what it is now. We are still deciding what we want to do, because we love where we are so much, but it is a definite possibility. It is a hard decision, because as much as I hate the commute and the cost of it, I really love this house and ward. The only reason I am entertaining the idea is because I finally found a house that I actually like as much as this one.

Anyway, that is what we have been up to. Kids are great. Doing good in school, behaving decently at home, growing faster than I can clothe them, and driving me crazy. But I love them and I'm happy. :)

Freeways and Body Shops

I thought about going to bed early, but I had to throw in a load of laundry for tomorrow so I guess I am up until it's ready to go to the dryer.

Today I had to take John's car in to the shop so they could start fixing it. The weekend before we moved to Arizona, John got in a car accident. He was driving down State Street in Orem, and as he went to turn left a northbound car ran a red light and he ended up getting in an accident with another car. Of course we weren't able to take care of it before we moved, so I had to drive it down here looking all ghetto with my tore up car like I don't know how to drive. I told John I was going to put a sign on it that said "My husband did this". Haha! I didn't really, because it would have just blown off on the freeway anyway.

So this morning I was totally brainless. I woke up and remembered that I would need my drivers license to pick up the rental car. Then I remembered that my wallet was in the suburban. Great. So I called John to ask him what I should do, and ended up having to head out to the Mayo Clinic to pick up my wallet. This was scary for 2 reasons: 1. I had never driven there before and 2. I hadn't even driven on the freeway by myself yet. On the way here, John and I drove caravan style, and we had walkie talkies to talk to each other the whole way. So this was my first time braving the very confusing freeways all by myself. In rush hour traffic, no less. I finally made it there, with only a couple minor anxiety attacks, and easily found my truck and was back on the road. As I was driving home, for some reason I was thinking about my debit card being in the back pocket of my jeans. This is when my scatterbrained self decided to remember that my drivers license had been in my back pocket the whole time, along with my card. Really? Like I couldn't have thought of that 2 hours prior?Needless to say, I totally didn't tell John. He doesn't need to know I'm that retarded. Seriously.

The rental car we ended up getting is really lame. I will just say that I am SO glad that I don't have to drive it. I mean, I am glad that we are getting it so cheap, but really I don't think they could have found a more basic car. I found it funny that it doesn't have power ANYTHING, yet I saw it had an ipod outlet. So, no power windows or locks, but you can plug an ipod in. Sigh. Anyway, good thing we just need it for John to drive to work. Hopefully he won't be as uncomfortable as I was driving it. I think his normal car is uncomfortable to drive (hate the seats) but this car might have his beat. Maybe I just hate small cars. It's been about 8 years since I have had a car, as opposed to a minivan or suburban. I love my suburban so much. I feel so much safer, because it's so big. It has definitely improved my anxiety while I'm driving, because when I'm driving around town, I feel like anyone who hits me is going to do way more damage to their own car than they are to me. The freeway is another story. I am still terrified of all the drivers on the freeway. I was pretty proud of myself for driving all the way to John's work and back today in his car and not totally freaking out.

Up

Things are starting to be a little better around here. I am feeling a little more up. I am still struggling with my depression, but it isn't as bad. It is something I have struggled with my whole life, so it's not like it's going to go away completely, but I am having fewer days where I want to cry and stay in bed, so I guess it's progress. I'm trying to be upbeat, and talk with friends when I am really feeling down. I know that it also probably helped that John was home today. I think part of my struggle is that I got used to having John home all the time when he was out of work, so now that he is back to work I am lonely. I am even more lonely because Amelia is at my parent's house in California, and I am used to her being around keeping me company while the other kids are at school. Oh well, I guess that's good practice for when she starts school next year. I talked to her tonight on Windows Live with video chat. I swear I am so lame, I don't know why I didn't think of that before last night. I could have been video chatting with her this whole last month! It was great to see her little silliness in person while I was talking to her. I miss her so much!! I keep telling myself that she is enjoying playing with and getting spoiled by grandma and grandpa, but I really can't wait 'til the 21st when she comes home! I am just going to squeeze her guts when she gets here!! She was super excited when I told her that we set up her brand new bunk bed this week. The look on her face was priceless, so I'm glad I waited to tell her 'til we did the video chat.

We were slackers and ended up getting pizza tonight. My mom would laugh if she read that, because she says we are always having pizza. Surprisingly we hadn't had it in a couple weeks, so I actually wanted to eat it. I guess it sounds better when John isn't suggesting it like every other day. Ha!

Since today is Saturday, I got to have John home all day with me. While I was asleep, he moved my elliptical into the guest bedroom and out of the hall. It had been sitting in the hall between the guest bedroom and the office, because the movers couldn't get it through the doorway, and supposedly they weren't allowed to take doors off. Whatever. I will probably end up moving it into the office, but not until I get a real bed for the guest bedroom. Right now we just have an air mattress, because we sold the one we had in Utah. It's not like anyone will be staying at our house in the near future anyway. Everyone wants to come here and stay at my grandparents house, even though they haven't seen us in forever either and we have WAY more room at our house.

Anyway, we also hung up all of my pictures and shelves all over the house, and I have most of my decor up. The living room is 100% unpacked. It looks really nice in there now. It's really late, so I will post pictures tomorrow. I figure since it's taking so long to get the house in order I can just blog the pics and updates as I finish each room.

We also found a couch that we might buy. We are going to look at it after church tomorrow. The lady is selling it for her daughter, who is in the hospital having health problems, so she can only show it at certain times when the landlord can let her in. It is light brown, and it's a sectional. It looks really nice. Right now we don't have any couches in the family room. We sold a lot of our bigger/heavier furniture before we moved and we got rid of the old family room couches because they were really old and since they were dual recliners they were REALLY heavy. John's work paid our moving costs, up to 12,000 lbs. so we wanted to lighten our load, since we would have to pay any overages. Anyway, I hope they are in nice condition, and as neutral colored as they look in the pictures, because it would really be nice to not watch tv sitting at the kitchen table.

Tomorrow is stake conference. It is different here. We all go to our own buildings and it is broadcast from the stake center. I am looking forward to it, because they always have really good talks at stake conference, but I'm not looking forward to it because it's like trying to get my kids to behave through 2 hours of sacrament meeting. You would think that since they are all getting older, they would have an easier time sitting still and paying attention, but apparently not.

Also, tomorrow afternoon the bishop and his counselors are coming over. I don't know why. I assume it's because we're new and they want to come meet us. I haven't had them come over in any of our other wards. My bishop in my last ward only really talked to me once in the year I lived there, and I lived next door!

The End of My Rope

Yesterday I decided to brave my way to Target. I am slowly finding my way around here. Unlike John, who has the GPS, I have to just wander around until I find where I am going. I have figured out several of the main roads that will get you just about anywhere, so I have started wandering off of those roads, keeping in mind my location in relation to them so I can find my way back. I haven't gotten lost yet.

Anyway, Hayden and I went to Target. I needed to get out of the house, and they always have good deals. I got a book that was REALLY good. It's called "The Other Mothers' Club" by Samantha Baker. I couldn't put it down, and finished it last night. It is fiction, and is about friends that become, or are in the process of becoming, stepmothers, and their support of each other. It was really good, and some of the drama I could totally relate to. John and I are what people would consider a "blended family", and we've been together 6 years. Although I don't consider myself a stepmother (since the boys were so little when John and I got married, and I am their ONLY mother) I could relate to a lot of the drama the main character had with her 13 year old step-daughter to be. The only difference was that since it was a book, of course they were able to find a way to work through their issues and get along.

I have had a lot of major drama with Tyler (12). Not with him specifically going at me, but with his behavior being out of control in general. At home, and everywhere we go - ESPECIALLY at school. It is getting ridiculous. In the last week since being at his new school he has 1. sat there and refused to take notes during science and history, 2. given total attitude to the music teacher for telling him not to run in the halls and to come back and walk, 3. not turned in ANY homework, 4. lied and said he didn't have homework because they do all their work during class, 5. googled playboy in computer lab while he was supposed to be looking up information on Plato for a class report. Are you freaking kidding me?? I am ready to just strangle him, and so is John. I know that some people would be like, "Oh he's at a new school and he's having trouble adjusting" blah, blah, blah. The truth is, he has had behavior problems like this at school since kindergarten. Last year my husband and I were actually meeting weekly with him, the vice-principal and his teacher because his behavior was so out of control. Talking back, refusing to do work, picking on/beating up other kids, lying, kicked a yard duty (seriously???), etc. The list goes on, and on, and on, adding new bad things each year. It's like each school year he's like, hmmm what could I do to be bad that I haven't tried yet? On top of that, he is being a total jerk hole to the other kids when he's home. Bossing them, picking on them, beating up his brothers, even hurting his 1 year old brother. It has gotten to the point that I don't even want him in my house. I swear I don't know what we're going to do with him. Right now he's on total restriction. That means school, homework, and nothing else. No scouts, no young mens, no extracurricular school activities he wanted to participate in like band or running club, NOTHING until he starts behaving like a decent human being. He's also not allowed to even touch Hayden, and if he even starts with the other kids I just immediately send him to his room. Period. No warnings. If that doesn't work, I don't know what our next step is, but I have a feeling it is going to be something involving removing him from this house. For the safety of the other kids, if nothing else. John and I have looked into in-patient behavior programs in the past. Looks like we might need to start doing that again.

Depression and Change of Scenery

Well, we've been in Arizona for a whole week now. I would like to say it has been an amazing experience, but that would be a lie. I feel so frustrated.

Before moving here, John and I both felt impressed that this was the right place for us, and that he should take the job at the Mayo Clinic. His new job paid for us to come out here and house hunt for 4 days, and we found the house that was THE house. The whole time we were packing up and gearing up to leave Utah and come out here we were excited and positive. However, as soon as we got out here something changed. I can't pinpoint it, or say what it is. I just don't feel at home here. Maybe it's because I haven't lived here since I was 9, so it's not familiar to me (other than visiting family) or maybe it's just that I don't really have any friends here or know where anything is. I don't know what it is. I feel like it's swallowing me.

I try not to say anything to John because I don't want to sound like a whiny, spoiled brat. I mean John has an amazing job, we have a HUGE, gorgeous house, my kids are adjusting to their new school well and love their teachers, the weather is beautiful (the kids had to unpack their summer clothes), my entire extended family lives within about 40 minutes of me, our new ward is nice, and Holly (my childhood best friend from when I used to live here) lives about 3 minutes away. Looking at that list, it sounds like a dream come true - but the depression is killing me. I have had days where I could literally sit and cry and not even get dressed or get out of bed. I don't know what is wrong with me. I still have a ton of stuff in boxes. More than I should, considering that I am just home with Hayden all day and there's not really anything else for me to do. I just don't care. I don't want to unpack all our crap. I haven't even felt motivated to unpack all the decor, and hang up all our pictures and everything. Usually when we move into a new house the very first thing I do is decorate it, so it doesn't feel naked while I'm unpacking. This time I haven't even bothered.

On Friday I went to Deseret Book for a little bit. It was a tiny one, like the one in Lehi, but it was nice to be somewhere where I felt like I belonged and where I love to go. I bought a couple new cd's to try to help lift my spirits, and a new book that I am about half way through. It's called "In Trying Times, Just Keep Trying" by Merrilee Boyack. She is one of my favorite speakers, and I have been privileged to be able to hear her speak several times. This book is not as light hearted as her other material, but it has sure resonated with me. I am really glad I got it. I have also really enjoyed the cd's. I got the new Mercy River cd, and another one I forget the name of that is a compilation cd that I have the first one of. They are both great. I will come back and add the name of the second cd when I look at it next. Anyway, they have helped some, but I still really feel overcome with depression. I know that depression is something that I have struggled with in the past, and I have even been on medication for it, but I feel like this is different. Like the life has been sucked out of me. I don't know what to even say or do. I just know that I hope I can figure a way to get out of this funk soon, because there is so much to do around here and not getting it done is stressing me out almost as much as doing it.

The Job

Yesterday John accepted the job at the Mayo Clinic Hospital in Phoenix. It's not a 100% done deal yet. He still has to pass the drug screen/background check, so we should find out for sure the beginning on next week. We are excited because: 1- it pays more, 2- it has WAY better benefits, and 3- we would be near all our family we love and miss.

When I was on the phone with my dad talking about it, my mom was in the background saying how she will never come visit me if I move to Arizona. Really? Like I am so stupid I am going to believe that you are going to deprive yourself of 7 grandchildren because we're doing something you don't approve of. The biggest reason she doesn't think we should move? She doesn't think the kids should have to change schools. Well, I understand that it sucks that they would have to leave a school that we all love, but I wouldn't do it unless John and I felt like it was the right decision for our family. Also, we're not moving right away. John was offered 2 start dates, and accepted the date of November 1st. However, WE will not be heading down there then, just he will. There are 2 reasons for this. 1- Tyler got put into a really great 9 week behavior management program, and it starts next Monday and doesn't end until right before Thanksgiving. 2- Unless we find a house that we feel is THE house that we need to be in, we are considering having John commute while I stay here and allow the kids to finish the school year where they are. I know that would be a really tough sacrifice, but we think we can do it if we feel like that is what we should do. He will be working 4 10's, so it will be doable. Hard, but doable.

We have found a house that we love. It could possibly be THE house, but there are 2 other families that are interested in it. They are going to make a decision and let us know the beginning of next week. It is HUGE (bigger than the house we're in now), 30 minutes from John's new job, one house away from a huge park, across the street from a really great elementary school, in a really awesome and largely lds area, and we would be able to assume the loan held by the current owners. Not a lease option, it would be OURS! That would be a huge blessing because we would like to find somewhere to stay put, but we couldn't qualify for a loan right now. It is perfect for us though, so I am trying to pray and hope for it, without getting my hopes up too much and getting too attached. We'll see how that goes. . .

Family

All my life it seems, I have struggled trying to find the balance between living my life the way I wanted and desperately seeking my parents approval. While I feel like I am much closer to the first, I think that I am coming to terms with the fact that the latter is something that is just never going to happen. No matter what decision I have made in my life, my parents have always been there to second guess me and tell me what a huge mistake I was making. And yes, sometimes they were right, but the thing is they are my mistakes to make. Would it be so bad to just be supportive? To say, I don't think it's the best choice, but I am going to support you and be here for you? Apparently the answer is yes, because it is something they are just not capable of doing. Not for me anyway.

Take our (hopefully) upcoming move to Arizona as an example:

I think the number one reason it makes me mad that they are acting this way about the move is that this move would put me right near almost ALL my extended family on BOTH sides of my family. Both of my sets of grandparents are alive and live in Phoenix, within 5 minutes of each other. All my aunts and uncles except one live there, and the majority of my cousins live there. It's like my parents are mad at me for wanting my own family in my life. I know that they think that I have some fairytale dream of what it will be like to live near my grandparents, and that I am in for a rude awakening when I try to spend time with them and they are failing in health and I have 7 kids ages 12 down to 1. I don't; I am trying to be realistic about it. I am sure that there will be times that they are too tired or worn out to deal with having my whole family around. I also know that I have 5 kids in school, and there will be opportunities for me to spend time with them with my 2 younger (quieter) children. I will have opportunities to help them and serve them, and let them know how much I love them.

The thing is, I don't want to miss out on any more time with them. I don't want my kids to miss out on knowing who they are, and what amazing people they are. I am trying to do the opposite of what my parents did to me. See, I grew up in Arizona. I lived there until I was 9, and then smack dab in the middle of the school year my parents ripped us away from my entire family to transplant us in the Bay Area where we had no family and knew no one, because of a job my dad got. I feel like I have spent the last 21 years missing out on the close relationships that all my other family members that still live in Arizona have, because they have all been together all this time. I don't want to lose any more time. If it means I have to move 10 hours away and go bake in 120 degree heat, then so be it. Life is too short to miss out on spending it with the most important people in your life.

Excuses and Idaho

Man. So it seems like every time I make plans to update my blog it goes like this:

Me: ooh! look! I did a couple new posts! Only 5 billion more and I will be all caught up! Go me!

Internet: oh Michele . . . . someone posted something new on facebook!

Me: ooh! what is it?

Internet: oh, and you're people are starving in your cafe, and there's a sale at Gymboree and you might want to check out craigslist and ksl while you're at it.

And there goes another 3 days of my life I will never get back.

At least this time I actually had an excuse. We went to Idaho for the weekend. We left the 2nd, and got home the 5th. We spent time with our best friends, Hailee and Alan, and had a TON of fun! Idaho was beautiful, and it was nice to be with friends. We went to amazing fireworks, we had a surprise birthday party for Camren, we took the boat out, and we just spent time lying around talking and eating double stuff oreos and diet coke. It was awesome and I wish I didn't have to come home.

Although I love Utah, it is lonely here. My parents are in California, and while I would LOVE to live right by them, I have NO desire to live in California again. I have friends here, but not ones that we hang out with and do stuff together with as a couple or family. It was so nice to be in Idaho. John even applied for a few jobs out there after we got back, because we liked it there so much. I don't know if anything will come of it, but it would just be nice to live somewhere where we had friends that we could hang out with all the time and do stuff with. Like hang out at each other's houses, and go camping and boating together, and just do stuff together. I know that it sounds crazy to think that we would move to Idaho because of friends, but it's nice to know that I would seriously have someone that I could hang out every day with. I don't have anyone like that now, and it gets really lonely.

Wow, well this post got really depressing all of the sudden and I didn't mean for it to. Anyway, our trip was freakin awesome and I will do more posts - with pictures in a minute.

Singing

So I went and checked out a new vocal coach last week. I was a little nervous because it had been a while since I quit working with my last one. I am shy (hard to believe for the people that know me) and I have a hard time warming up to people. So add that to my nerve wracking stage fright, and I thought I was going to die going in to my session. Ha ha! Luckily I went and everything was fine. The teacher was awesome! In just one lesson I could already see a difference because I was able to make it to a high A flat without straining. It has really frustrated me that it is totally true that you have to either use it or lose it. In school, I sang first soprano, sometimes I even sang the descant. But then I discovered that I loved singing alto, because I loved harmonizing and it was a change from what I had been doing for years. So after years of not using my higher register, and enjoying the harmonies, the higher end of my range is almost non-existing. So, the teacher I saw teaches SLS, which is Speech Level Singing. Basically, it uses methods to strengthen your vocal chords and teach your larynx to stay down while you're singing so you can belt the higher notes without the strain you would usually get. In one session I could see a major difference. So I am planning on working with her, at least for the summer. She isn't too busy right now since it's summer, so she offered to charge me 1/2 price. Since she is one of the top vocal coaches in the state, that is too good of an offer to pass up! She has a lot of connections in the music industry, and also teaches classes on performance and getting over stage fright. The goal is to get performing locally, and then go from there. So I will have to keep you posted on what's going on with that. In the mean time, I am excited to be getting back to doing what I love more than anything.

House Hunting

So today we went and looked at a couple houses. The first one was in Orem, about 10 minutes away from where we live now. I was hopeful, but the house was HIDEOUS! It seriously needed to be gutted and have a do over. It was disappointing because I have been hopeful that we would find something nearby where we live now.

However, at the next house . . . .

I thought I had died and gone to heaven. It was just about everything I wanted in a house, plus a lot of stuff I have dreamed about having but never hoped to actually find. It is about 20 min. north of here (Bluffdale, near Salt Lake) and it is a little bit of country - in the city. It was love at first sight. It is 4200 sq. feet and 7 bedrooms (which is what we have now), but the best part . . . . . . wait for it . . . IT IS ON OVER AN ACRE!!! WITH ANIMAL RIGHTS!!!

Oh. My. Heck.

Be still my heart, I am in love. Everyone who knows me knows how much I long for a house with property. It is my dream to have a house where I can have cows, chickens, a huge garden, maybe a turkey or two? My husband? Not so much.

*Sidenote: In fact we have a running joke about the chickens. I have been begging to get chickens for the last month, but John keeps saying no because we don't know where we'll be living. So during the day I will randomly text him "CHICKENS!!!" and then he responds with "NO CHICKENS!", and Amelia (4) and I whisper and plot and threaten to bring some home while he's at work. Then one day it was funnier because we learned how to send voice messages to each other. So I sent him a voice message yelling "CHICKENS!!!!" while he was in Wal-Mart. People were probably like, what the heck? Then of course he sent one back to me, "NO CHICKENS!" LOL

Anyway, so what makes this house so great? It has everything I want, but it is 5 minutes from Bangerter and the freeway, and civilization. It already has a chicken coop and a detached garage converted into a barn. I could live in the country without my husband actually having to be in the country. Win win! Now I just have to hope that he agrees. We are supposed to go see a couple more houses between tomorrow and Saturday, but honestly if it were up to me I wouldn't even bother. The only reason we are going to look is because it is a little more expensive than the house we are in now, so he wants to see what else is out there. Of course, I have picked every house we have lived in. So here's to hoping that we continue with that tradition!

*Another side note: On the way home Tyler (11) asked me if we moved there, if he could have a farmer outfit. I was like, what's a farmer outfit. He was like, you know. Overalls, a blue shirt and a hat. LOL! He cracks me up.

Random Ramblings of an Insomniac

I can't sleep. It's 2:32 in the morning and I have to get up with the kids at 7 and I am wide awake. I'm talking middle of the day awake. Sigh.

So what do I do? Get on the computer of course. Maybe if I can get all the thoughts out of my head, they will shut up and I can fall asleep. Hey, how's that for wishful thinking.

Most likely culprit? My new medication. Ugh. I just switched to Wellbutrin. I took Paxil - made me feel like a zombie. Effexor - I felt like I was on speed. Or should I say what I THINK it would feel like to be on speed. John was at my dr's appointment and was like, yeah because you have a history of taking speed. Ha! Of course the papers with my new meds say that if I have trouble sleeping it may be because I took them too close to bedtime. Well how was I supposed to know that 7 pm was too close to 2 am? Seriously! Ugh!

So . . . what are some things that are going on . . . . .

I found a house for us to look at tomorrow. It's in Mona. I'm not sure where that is, but according to yahoo maps, it's 30 min away from Provo. Which is as far as I want to live away from John's work. The house is amazing and 2 years old. Then again, it is frustrating to look at houses here when I don't know for sure that we're going to stay here.

I hope we're at least staying the summer because I just registered for my classes and it would suck to have to move because I would probably end up not being able to take summer semester. I'm taking Math 1010 (ugh), Psych 1100, Nutrition 1020, and Bio 1010. I am not happy that I had to sign up for the Nutrition class that is Tues/Thurs. I already have a Friday night class and a Saturday morning class, and I didn't want to be away from home more than that. I got Bio as a telecourse, so that should be easy. I am looking forward to that class, since I have actually watched that class at like 3 am when I couldn't sleep. Hey, I was bored and at least it's educational and surprisingly interesting. Anyway, I am wait listed for the Nutrition online class. I just have to pray and cross my fingers that I get into it. It is going to be an easy class, so I don't want to waste time away from my family to take it in person. In person classes are for, like, math. Which I would fail if I took online. I have thought about just taking 3 classes for summer, but I already have the whole next year of classes planned out so that I can apply to the nursing program next spring. I don't want to have to add it to another packed semester or put off applying to the program over one stupid class. So I may have to suck it up. At least the class is only 'til the middle of July. It's a 10 wk. class I think. But hopefully things will work out the way I want them to. This is what happens when you are just starting school, so you don't have very many credits. You are last to get to register, so the classes you planned on taking are already taken.

What I really want to do is take guitar. In fact I might still take that if I really don't want to be gone 2 nights a week for Nutrition 1020. I could always add it as an online class for another semester if I had to, since it will be an easy class. I told John that I really want to take guitar, and that I was going to use some of my grant to buy myself a nicer guitar. Yes I have one, but I don't think it would be adequate for taking a class. Anyway, he rolled his eyes at me. Then he was talking about my singing and doing something with that and I was like - hey, remember what I just said about guitar?? He was like you don't need to play guitar to sing. True, but it would help me with my song writing. I can hear the music in my head, but it's not piano music so it never comes across right. I think if I could play guitar I would be able to actually get it out the way I want to. So we shall see . . . . After all, I think I should be able to take one fun class. I will get in the guitar and voice classes I want to take at some point. I have a whole list of classes I want to take for fun. Just because they sound interesting and I like learning things. I will probably still be taking classes when my kids are in college. Ha!

Man, I just caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror (my bed is opposite the master bath, and the huge mirror over the vanity) and yikes! Hello lion from the Wizard of Oz, and what did you do with Michele?? That's what I get for letting my hair air dry and have a break from the hair dryer. I am SO going to have to do something about that in the morning.

John has been doing the HCG diet. He has been naughty and not followed it completely, but he has still averaged 14 lbs in a week. However, I lost 6 and I didn't starve or have to give myself injections. I just started eating more salad and less crap. Hmmm, funny how that works. I have a supply of it so I can try it, but I can't do it until Hayden is done nursing. Which won't be any time soon. He is a little fatty, and I'm pretty sure he would be content to nurse 24/7 if he could get me to agree with it. Sorry, but no. There is a reason I made sure he had a binky from day one. After Brooklyn and Amelia not taking one, I will be a human pacifier no more!

Lately I have wanted to get my nose pierced. Just a little diamond stud. Dumb, right? But I have always wanted to and I just want to do it to see how it would look, so I can have done it. Even if I don't keep it in. I seriously think about it all day. Maybe I am having a age 30 crisis. LOL! I just want to try it just to try it, so I can tell myself I did it. I figure I wanted my tattoo for like 6 years before I got it, and I still like it 12 years later. My mom said I would be sorry, but so far so good. I have wanted to pierce my nose about that long. Just never had the guts to do it. I watched a video of it on youtube. It looks like it hurts like a mother. But I just want to try it, just to see. I don't know though. John doesn't like it, but I know tons of people who have it done and I think it's really hot. If my family is reading this, just don't even start. This is my blog and I can think out loud about whatever I want if I want to. And I am 30 and my own boss. The End.

Ok, well now that I got some of that craziness out of my head I am going to try and go to sleep. After all it's 3 and I have to get up in 4 hours. At least after the kids leave for school I can go back to sleep for a little bit. Maybe. Maybe not since I have to go to Salt Lake. Well, I better get a nap then. I guess I better take my meds now, so I can take the second dose in the early afternoon. Hope that helps. At least so far I'm not feeling all jittery and hyped up, like I did with the Effexor. Now let's just hope for some sleep!

School

So I said I would post about school at some point, so here it goes.

John and I had been talking about going back to school for quite a while now. In fact, I have wanted to go back to school ever since I had Hailey, but my ex-husband was totally NOT supportive of that. And then when I was divorced it was just too hard with a new baby and a 3 year old. So for the last 5 years that John and I have been married I have been trying to talk him into going back to school. I know how gifted he is in the OR, and he gets told that all the time by the surgeons he works with. He is certified in suturing, and the DR.'s let him do work for him all the time and tell him how immaculate his work is. I kept telling him how he was wasting his gift, and that people could be benefiting from it and so on. It has become a joke between us, because of that scripture that talks about the servant that buried his talent. I tell him that he is burying his talent, and that Heavenly Father is going to take it away because he 's not using it. He tells me the same thing about my singing. Haha!

So this past December we started talking about it seriously. We checked it out, and went over to UVU and decided to enroll. So this January we both started school, he in pre-med and me in pre-nursing. We decided to just go year round and get it over with, so that we could finish school as quickly as possible. At that point, I will be done with school and ready to get into the work field just as John is ready to start med school. Which would be perfect timing, because it would be impossible for him to work full time and do med school, and then residency. So our plan is for me to work nights (which I would prefer because I am more awake at night, and it pays more) and he will take classes during the day. At that point the only child not in school will be Hayden, unless we have our one more baby. (Yes, I know that people think that's crazy, but I also know there is one more baby waiting for us. I have seen him and I know his name. Enough said.) Anyway, we will make it work.

I am SUPER excited to finally be working towards my BSN!! I have wanted to do this my entire life. I even have an essay I wrote in 7th grade, and the whole thing is about how I wanted to be a nurse in the NICU with all the little babies. And today? Yep, still want to do the same thing. Yeah I still work on my singing. I am in talks with a band to be their lead singer, and I sang in Sacrament Meeting earlier this month. But I honestly don't believe that it is something that I will become famous for or anything, and being a NICU nurse has been a lifelong dream of mine. And if I can squeeze in singing gigs on the side, then even better. I have been working my butt off, and as of now I have straight A's. After I finish school. I plan on going back and getting my Masters (MSN). I tell everyone I know that if I can do it, so can they. I have friends who want to go back to school, but don't think they can do it. Well if I can be a mom of 7 kids under 12, and go to school full time and get all A's, then I know they can do it too.

Things That Make Me Go AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

Sometimes I just want to scream. Like when I find out that the house we are living in (and totally LOVE) is not going to be our home for much longer, because the owner wants to sell it. We found out in February, but I am still irritated about it. We have looked at tons of houses on ksl and craigslist, but I haven't found anything that even made me want to make the effort to go look at. Why? Because I haven't seen one house that I like anywhere near as much as the house we're in. I keep hoping that the owner will change his mind. He had the house up for sale, but took it off the market when we moved in. We signed a lease until the end of May, and then agreed that we would re-evaluate at that point to decide if we wanted to sign a longer lease. What he failed to mention was the little fact that he might not want to re-lease the house, because he would really rather sell it than keep renting it. I love where we live. The house is old, but awesome. Perfect for our family of 9, with 4400 sq. ft. and 7 bedrooms, and a huge fenced yard. It's in a cul-de-sac, and right down the street from the elementary school. My kids love that because I let them walk, and they feel so grown up. Little do they know I'm the one really enjoying it because I don't have to pack up Amelia and Hayden to drive 20 ft. down the street to go get them. Our landlord says he wants to wait til closer to the end of our lease, and then discuss things then. I am hoping by then he will decide to let us stay.

Other things that want to make me scream? My husband. Well, I guess he's not a thing, but you know what I mean. Why? Because he decides maybe the fact that we can't stay in the house means we should try moving back to California. Never mind that I don't WANT to move back, I love Utah! Never mind that I just signed up for my second semester of school, and have my whole 2010-11 school year planned out so that I will be ready to apply to UVU's nursing program next spring. He tells me I can just transfer somewhere. Grrr! He has already applied at a couple places that will definitely want him, and is working on possibly going back to Kaiser - who would LOVE to get him back. Ugh! I feel like calling them and telling them to tell him they don't want him. Ok, not really. But I want to stay here. On one hand it would be nice. I miss my family, and I like the idea that maybe me and my mom could hang out and do stuff together while the kids were in school. Assuming that I could pry her out of bed before they got out. Haha! On the other hand, I love living in Utah. I really like how the church is all around. I like the school I am going to, and I don't want to transfer when I would most likely have to transfer to a community college because the Bay Area doesn't have any universities with open enrollment. I like being near my ex-husband's family. Even though I would love to be near my own family, I love getting to be near Dave and Sandy and all their family. I may be divorced from their son, but I love them and the rest of their family like they were my own, and I love getting to be around them and do stuff with them.

While I wait to see what we are going to end up doing, I have been looking at houses; both in the East Bay and in Utah. I feel discouraged about staying here because I haven't found anything and time is running out. It is really hard to find something that will work for a family this size. Also we have the issue with John's work, which prompted the search for a job in California in the first place. He works for a same day surgery center, and they haven't been very busy. That translates into John getting his hours cut. Last week he was cancelled twice. On his last paycheck he worked about 24 hours in a week, well below his regular 40+ hours. It is so frustrating. So he started looking for another job, and found one in CA, out in Novato that would be 5 12 hour shifts, and almost triple our income. So I guess I really can't complain, because it would be nice with 7 kids to not have to worry about money. I am just so tired of moving, and since I know that we are already going to have to move in 3 years for John to go to med school, I would rather not move until then. All I can say is, once we get the job/housing situation settled, I am SO signing a 3 year lease so I can finish school in one place before I have to move again. Also, I want the kids to be able to stay somewhere for more than a year. The older kids are in 3-5th grade, and they have never gone to the same school two years in a row! That is just insane! I just hope we get something figured out soon. I hate this being in limbo, waiting to figure out what we're going to do.