Depressing Post About Depression

*** I have been struggling for a while, and just wanted to get everything out, so this is just a warning that if you don't want to hear about depression or anything like that, you can just skip this post. ***

Lately my depression has been really hard on me. I feel like I am either totally down and in a black hole, or just yelling and being a total wench. I keep telling myself I only have like 5 weeks or less to go, but in the moment that doesn't really do anything. I know that I am going to have to talk to my Dr. about it on Wednesday, but I don't know what it will really matter. I can't take anything while I'm pregnant, and I'm only 35 weeks on Wednesday so it's not like I can have her early so I can start taking something to get this under control. I just feel kinda hopeless right now. I feel like it's always right on the edge. Like just sitting here typing this I could totally bawl my eyes out, if I just let myself.

I try to find stuff to do, to try and keep myself preoccupied so I don't dwell on how I'm feeling too much, but it is really hard because I feel so overwhelmed with all the stuff I need to do before the baby is born. Or maybe I should say, all the things I *feel* like I need to have done before she gets here. I have a whole list, and I think I have maybe a couple things crossed off. I can't even look at it because I just feel even more overwhelmed and stressed out, and it's like a downward spiral. It makes me worried, because if I am doing so bad now, how much worse am I going to be once she is born? I have struggled with PPD with all my kids. With Hayden it was really bad, but I also went back to school when he was only 4 months old so that added to the stress. It got to where John and I were fighting all the time, I was a jerk to everyone, I quit going to church for like 7 months. I even got another tattoo. I'm talking a big one too, like almost across my shoulder blades. I just really felt like I was out of control. Sometimes we would be driving somewhere and stop and a light, and I would seriously consider just stepping out of the car in to traffic. I felt like I just wanted to climb out of my skin. But I don't remember really struggling with my depression while I was pregnant in the past. I mean, I have struggled with depression as long as I can remember, but I always felt like while pregnant it wasn't even a tenth as bad as it usually is. Also, I think the added excitement of a boy (finally! after 3 girls!) really pushed me through. But after he was born I became even more compulsive than I normally am (and I am total OCD). I held him every second unless I was going to the bathroom or showering, I had to check on him literally every 5 minutes, etc. I tried a couple different meds. to see if they would help with my depression/anxiety, but they made me not sleep. I felt like I was on speed. I was constantly jittery and I could end up being up until 5 in the morning. Let me just tell you, Depression + Anxiety + Jittery + No Sleep= EXTREMELY BAD! That's where I think things started to go downhill. Then the next med. I tried was the opposite. I felt like a zombie. I could barely function or get out of bed. I would be awake enough to make sure the kids were ready and out the door to school (luckily they could walk, since we lived a block away) and then I would go back to bed and I could literally spend the whole day there. I would just bring Hayden to my bed to nurse and snuggle, and then put him back to bed and fall back into a coma. I could barely make it to get up and dressed before the kids got home from school and John got home maybe 1/2 an hour later, sometimes right when they got home. I took one more that seemed to help, or at least didn't affect my consciousness in the extreme that the other 2 did, but eventually I just gave up and quit taking anything.

This time around, with it affecting me so much through my pregnancy, I really worry about afterward. I have no way of knowing if post labor I will be doing better or worse, but if it is worse it is going to be a nightmare. So, as I said I will talk to my Dr. on Wednesday and see what he has to say. Maybe if we go into this expecting it to be awful, we will be able to have a plan to deal with it.

The other thing that is stressing me out is that John starts back to school next month. His actual start date is 2 days before my due date. I don't have any plans to go to my due date, because if it comes down to it, pretty much any Dr. will induce you at 39 weeks. Especially since this is baby #5 for me. But still, it is going to be added stress of him working full time and going to school. Plus the schedule he is going to have is 2 weekdays, plus every Saturday. So pretty much I am going to be a single mom of 8 kids, ages newborn to 13. I haven't said anything to John, because I know how important this is. We really need him to finish school. I know that it won't just be hard on me, since working full time and going to school is so hard to do, but I just have to remind myself of that and suck it up because once he's done it is going to at least double our income, if not more. I had really hoped that I would be able to convince my mom to come and stay with me when I have the baby, and for a little while after, but so far she has said she's not going to. It's frustrating to me because I don't have anyone here that will be helping me. I don't even know what I'm going to do with my kids when I have to be in the hospital. I guess I will just have to leave them home to watch themselves, but it freaks me out because I have no idea how long I will end up being in labor and I don't like the idea of Hayden being home with the kids for a long period of time. But I don't know anyone to watch them, and I don't know what else to do. Maybe it makes me a jerk, but it makes me mad that my mom hasn't agreed to come out here and watch them. She doesn't work and she doesn't have anything else she has to be doing instead, she just won't. So apparently she thinks it's better for me to leave my 23 month old home with 6 older siblings ages 5 - 13, for who knows how long, than for her to have to come out here. It is stressing me out so much I feel like I am going to cry and freak out just writing this. I told John maybe we will have to bring Hayden to the hospital with us, because how could I relax and make it through labor knowing that he was without an adult for that long? I couldn't! I don't know my neighbors, and I don't have any friends here, so that's not an option. Maybe I will have to bring them all with me, and they will just have to hang out with John in the waiting room, and he can come back and forth between there and my room. I don't know. I guess if it comes down to it, that would be better to me than leaving them at home. There is no one here that I would want to watch my kids, so I don't see what other choice there is.

Ok, well that is all I am going to write for now because now that I am looking at this in black and white, instead of just trying to ignore the thoughts in my head, it is stressing me out even more and I am going to start crying and have a major anxiety attack.