Gift of Gab

Today is turning out to be a hard day. I feel bad for Hayden being home with me while the other 6 kids are at school, because my depression is just sucking the life out of me. This morning I just talked to a friend on skype, while I sat on the floor with Hayden and he played with some cars. I guess I can't really say I was talking to my friend. More like I had her on skype (without my video on) and was halfheartedly listening to her talk while I sat there. I didn't really have anything to say, and I didn't particularly want to talk, but I didn't want to be like hey I don't feel like talking or listening to you.

I feel like I could just sit here crying and doing nothing for hours. I am trying to hold it together and act normal, because Hayden and Amelia are eating lunch and I figure I can be a whack job while they're napping, without freaking anyone else out. I really hate this. I am in my last few weeks of this pregnancy, and I just want to be enjoying getting ready for this little girl to get here. Instead I feel like I'm sitting around like a zombie. Her room is still untouched, other than curtains and a crib. Her dresser is still sitting out in the landing in the upstairs hall, waiting for me to want to paint it. Her clothes are still sitting in laundry baskets in my bedroom, folded with the tags still on. It makes me sad, because with all my other kids I was set up and 100% ready by like 7 months, and here I am at almost 37 weeks and not only do I not have everything ready, I just don't care. I have no energy/motivation to do anything. I was talking to my friend, and she asked me if I was going to have John break my water at 37 weeks like we did with Amelia and Hayden. (Before anyone freaks out, my husband is a surgical tech and worked in L&D for over 7 years, and delivered babies/assisted in c-sections all day, every day) I told her what's the point. I don't care when I have her, because I don't have anything to do with my kids when I go to the hospital. While I really don't want to have her term (because John starts school 2 days before my due date) between the depression, and the lack of anyone to watch my kids, I just don't care. I'm not ready for her to be here anyway. As much as I have been exhausted and in pain, I just don't feel like things will be better after she's born. I mean, if things are going so bad now, I can just assume they're going to be worse post partum, right? Because right now I'm not even excited for her to be born, and that's just making me more sad.