Well, we've been in Arizona for a whole week now. I would like to say it has been an amazing experience, but that would be a lie. I feel so frustrated.
Before moving here, John and I both felt impressed that this was the right place for us, and that he should take the job at the Mayo Clinic. His new job paid for us to come out here and house hunt for 4 days, and we found the house that was THE house. The whole time we were packing up and gearing up to leave Utah and come out here we were excited and positive. However, as soon as we got out here something changed. I can't pinpoint it, or say what it is. I just don't feel at home here. Maybe it's because I haven't lived here since I was 9, so it's not familiar to me (other than visiting family) or maybe it's just that I don't really have any friends here or know where anything is. I don't know what it is. I feel like it's swallowing me.
I try not to say anything to John because I don't want to sound like a whiny, spoiled brat. I mean John has an amazing job, we have a HUGE, gorgeous house, my kids are adjusting to their new school well and love their teachers, the weather is beautiful (the kids had to unpack their summer clothes), my entire extended family lives within about 40 minutes of me, our new ward is nice, and Holly (my childhood best friend from when I used to live here) lives about 3 minutes away. Looking at that list, it sounds like a dream come true - but the depression is killing me. I have had days where I could literally sit and cry and not even get dressed or get out of bed. I don't know what is wrong with me. I still have a ton of stuff in boxes. More than I should, considering that I am just home with Hayden all day and there's not really anything else for me to do. I just don't care. I don't want to unpack all our crap. I haven't even felt motivated to unpack all the decor, and hang up all our pictures and everything. Usually when we move into a new house the very first thing I do is decorate it, so it doesn't feel naked while I'm unpacking. This time I haven't even bothered.
On Friday I went to Deseret Book for a little bit. It was a tiny one, like the one in Lehi, but it was nice to be somewhere where I felt like I belonged and where I love to go. I bought a couple new cd's to try to help lift my spirits, and a new book that I am about half way through. It's called "In Trying Times, Just Keep Trying" by Merrilee Boyack. She is one of my favorite speakers, and I have been privileged to be able to hear her speak several times. This book is not as light hearted as her other material, but it has sure resonated with me. I am really glad I got it. I have also really enjoyed the cd's. I got the new Mercy River cd, and another one I forget the name of that is a compilation cd that I have the first one of. They are both great. I will come back and add the name of the second cd when I look at it next. Anyway, they have helped some, but I still really feel overcome with depression. I know that depression is something that I have struggled with in the past, and I have even been on medication for it, but I feel like this is different. Like the life has been sucked out of me. I don't know what to even say or do. I just know that I hope I can figure a way to get out of this funk soon, because there is so much to do around here and not getting it done is stressing me out almost as much as doing it.
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