Standing

Somebody thinks he's a big boy and has started standing . . . .

Hayden has been slow to stand or walk, but if I had 6 kids to carry me around all day and do whatever I wanted, I don't think I would be in such a hurry either. He still doesn't stand a whole bunch, and won't walk unless you hold his hand, but he is making progress and I can tell that it won't be long. It's ok, I already have 6 kids walking/running around the house. I am perfectly fine to wait as long as he wants.

"Helping" unpack.

Hanging out in the backyard.

Freeways and Body Shops

I thought about going to bed early, but I had to throw in a load of laundry for tomorrow so I guess I am up until it's ready to go to the dryer.

Today I had to take John's car in to the shop so they could start fixing it. The weekend before we moved to Arizona, John got in a car accident. He was driving down State Street in Orem, and as he went to turn left a northbound car ran a red light and he ended up getting in an accident with another car. Of course we weren't able to take care of it before we moved, so I had to drive it down here looking all ghetto with my tore up car like I don't know how to drive. I told John I was going to put a sign on it that said "My husband did this". Haha! I didn't really, because it would have just blown off on the freeway anyway.

So this morning I was totally brainless. I woke up and remembered that I would need my drivers license to pick up the rental car. Then I remembered that my wallet was in the suburban. Great. So I called John to ask him what I should do, and ended up having to head out to the Mayo Clinic to pick up my wallet. This was scary for 2 reasons: 1. I had never driven there before and 2. I hadn't even driven on the freeway by myself yet. On the way here, John and I drove caravan style, and we had walkie talkies to talk to each other the whole way. So this was my first time braving the very confusing freeways all by myself. In rush hour traffic, no less. I finally made it there, with only a couple minor anxiety attacks, and easily found my truck and was back on the road. As I was driving home, for some reason I was thinking about my debit card being in the back pocket of my jeans. This is when my scatterbrained self decided to remember that my drivers license had been in my back pocket the whole time, along with my card. Really? Like I couldn't have thought of that 2 hours prior?Needless to say, I totally didn't tell John. He doesn't need to know I'm that retarded. Seriously.

The rental car we ended up getting is really lame. I will just say that I am SO glad that I don't have to drive it. I mean, I am glad that we are getting it so cheap, but really I don't think they could have found a more basic car. I found it funny that it doesn't have power ANYTHING, yet I saw it had an ipod outlet. So, no power windows or locks, but you can plug an ipod in. Sigh. Anyway, good thing we just need it for John to drive to work. Hopefully he won't be as uncomfortable as I was driving it. I think his normal car is uncomfortable to drive (hate the seats) but this car might have his beat. Maybe I just hate small cars. It's been about 8 years since I have had a car, as opposed to a minivan or suburban. I love my suburban so much. I feel so much safer, because it's so big. It has definitely improved my anxiety while I'm driving, because when I'm driving around town, I feel like anyone who hits me is going to do way more damage to their own car than they are to me. The freeway is another story. I am still terrified of all the drivers on the freeway. I was pretty proud of myself for driving all the way to John's work and back today in his car and not totally freaking out.

Up

Things are starting to be a little better around here. I am feeling a little more up. I am still struggling with my depression, but it isn't as bad. It is something I have struggled with my whole life, so it's not like it's going to go away completely, but I am having fewer days where I want to cry and stay in bed, so I guess it's progress. I'm trying to be upbeat, and talk with friends when I am really feeling down. I know that it also probably helped that John was home today. I think part of my struggle is that I got used to having John home all the time when he was out of work, so now that he is back to work I am lonely. I am even more lonely because Amelia is at my parent's house in California, and I am used to her being around keeping me company while the other kids are at school. Oh well, I guess that's good practice for when she starts school next year. I talked to her tonight on Windows Live with video chat. I swear I am so lame, I don't know why I didn't think of that before last night. I could have been video chatting with her this whole last month! It was great to see her little silliness in person while I was talking to her. I miss her so much!! I keep telling myself that she is enjoying playing with and getting spoiled by grandma and grandpa, but I really can't wait 'til the 21st when she comes home! I am just going to squeeze her guts when she gets here!! She was super excited when I told her that we set up her brand new bunk bed this week. The look on her face was priceless, so I'm glad I waited to tell her 'til we did the video chat.

We were slackers and ended up getting pizza tonight. My mom would laugh if she read that, because she says we are always having pizza. Surprisingly we hadn't had it in a couple weeks, so I actually wanted to eat it. I guess it sounds better when John isn't suggesting it like every other day. Ha!

Since today is Saturday, I got to have John home all day with me. While I was asleep, he moved my elliptical into the guest bedroom and out of the hall. It had been sitting in the hall between the guest bedroom and the office, because the movers couldn't get it through the doorway, and supposedly they weren't allowed to take doors off. Whatever. I will probably end up moving it into the office, but not until I get a real bed for the guest bedroom. Right now we just have an air mattress, because we sold the one we had in Utah. It's not like anyone will be staying at our house in the near future anyway. Everyone wants to come here and stay at my grandparents house, even though they haven't seen us in forever either and we have WAY more room at our house.

Anyway, we also hung up all of my pictures and shelves all over the house, and I have most of my decor up. The living room is 100% unpacked. It looks really nice in there now. It's really late, so I will post pictures tomorrow. I figure since it's taking so long to get the house in order I can just blog the pics and updates as I finish each room.

We also found a couch that we might buy. We are going to look at it after church tomorrow. The lady is selling it for her daughter, who is in the hospital having health problems, so she can only show it at certain times when the landlord can let her in. It is light brown, and it's a sectional. It looks really nice. Right now we don't have any couches in the family room. We sold a lot of our bigger/heavier furniture before we moved and we got rid of the old family room couches because they were really old and since they were dual recliners they were REALLY heavy. John's work paid our moving costs, up to 12,000 lbs. so we wanted to lighten our load, since we would have to pay any overages. Anyway, I hope they are in nice condition, and as neutral colored as they look in the pictures, because it would really be nice to not watch tv sitting at the kitchen table.

Tomorrow is stake conference. It is different here. We all go to our own buildings and it is broadcast from the stake center. I am looking forward to it, because they always have really good talks at stake conference, but I'm not looking forward to it because it's like trying to get my kids to behave through 2 hours of sacrament meeting. You would think that since they are all getting older, they would have an easier time sitting still and paying attention, but apparently not.

Also, tomorrow afternoon the bishop and his counselors are coming over. I don't know why. I assume it's because we're new and they want to come meet us. I haven't had them come over in any of our other wards. My bishop in my last ward only really talked to me once in the year I lived there, and I lived next door!

The End of My Rope

Yesterday I decided to brave my way to Target. I am slowly finding my way around here. Unlike John, who has the GPS, I have to just wander around until I find where I am going. I have figured out several of the main roads that will get you just about anywhere, so I have started wandering off of those roads, keeping in mind my location in relation to them so I can find my way back. I haven't gotten lost yet.

Anyway, Hayden and I went to Target. I needed to get out of the house, and they always have good deals. I got a book that was REALLY good. It's called "The Other Mothers' Club" by Samantha Baker. I couldn't put it down, and finished it last night. It is fiction, and is about friends that become, or are in the process of becoming, stepmothers, and their support of each other. It was really good, and some of the drama I could totally relate to. John and I are what people would consider a "blended family", and we've been together 6 years. Although I don't consider myself a stepmother (since the boys were so little when John and I got married, and I am their ONLY mother) I could relate to a lot of the drama the main character had with her 13 year old step-daughter to be. The only difference was that since it was a book, of course they were able to find a way to work through their issues and get along.

I have had a lot of major drama with Tyler (12). Not with him specifically going at me, but with his behavior being out of control in general. At home, and everywhere we go - ESPECIALLY at school. It is getting ridiculous. In the last week since being at his new school he has 1. sat there and refused to take notes during science and history, 2. given total attitude to the music teacher for telling him not to run in the halls and to come back and walk, 3. not turned in ANY homework, 4. lied and said he didn't have homework because they do all their work during class, 5. googled playboy in computer lab while he was supposed to be looking up information on Plato for a class report. Are you freaking kidding me?? I am ready to just strangle him, and so is John. I know that some people would be like, "Oh he's at a new school and he's having trouble adjusting" blah, blah, blah. The truth is, he has had behavior problems like this at school since kindergarten. Last year my husband and I were actually meeting weekly with him, the vice-principal and his teacher because his behavior was so out of control. Talking back, refusing to do work, picking on/beating up other kids, lying, kicked a yard duty (seriously???), etc. The list goes on, and on, and on, adding new bad things each year. It's like each school year he's like, hmmm what could I do to be bad that I haven't tried yet? On top of that, he is being a total jerk hole to the other kids when he's home. Bossing them, picking on them, beating up his brothers, even hurting his 1 year old brother. It has gotten to the point that I don't even want him in my house. I swear I don't know what we're going to do with him. Right now he's on total restriction. That means school, homework, and nothing else. No scouts, no young mens, no extracurricular school activities he wanted to participate in like band or running club, NOTHING until he starts behaving like a decent human being. He's also not allowed to even touch Hayden, and if he even starts with the other kids I just immediately send him to his room. Period. No warnings. If that doesn't work, I don't know what our next step is, but I have a feeling it is going to be something involving removing him from this house. For the safety of the other kids, if nothing else. John and I have looked into in-patient behavior programs in the past. Looks like we might need to start doing that again.

Depression and Change of Scenery

Well, we've been in Arizona for a whole week now. I would like to say it has been an amazing experience, but that would be a lie. I feel so frustrated.

Before moving here, John and I both felt impressed that this was the right place for us, and that he should take the job at the Mayo Clinic. His new job paid for us to come out here and house hunt for 4 days, and we found the house that was THE house. The whole time we were packing up and gearing up to leave Utah and come out here we were excited and positive. However, as soon as we got out here something changed. I can't pinpoint it, or say what it is. I just don't feel at home here. Maybe it's because I haven't lived here since I was 9, so it's not familiar to me (other than visiting family) or maybe it's just that I don't really have any friends here or know where anything is. I don't know what it is. I feel like it's swallowing me.

I try not to say anything to John because I don't want to sound like a whiny, spoiled brat. I mean John has an amazing job, we have a HUGE, gorgeous house, my kids are adjusting to their new school well and love their teachers, the weather is beautiful (the kids had to unpack their summer clothes), my entire extended family lives within about 40 minutes of me, our new ward is nice, and Holly (my childhood best friend from when I used to live here) lives about 3 minutes away. Looking at that list, it sounds like a dream come true - but the depression is killing me. I have had days where I could literally sit and cry and not even get dressed or get out of bed. I don't know what is wrong with me. I still have a ton of stuff in boxes. More than I should, considering that I am just home with Hayden all day and there's not really anything else for me to do. I just don't care. I don't want to unpack all our crap. I haven't even felt motivated to unpack all the decor, and hang up all our pictures and everything. Usually when we move into a new house the very first thing I do is decorate it, so it doesn't feel naked while I'm unpacking. This time I haven't even bothered.

On Friday I went to Deseret Book for a little bit. It was a tiny one, like the one in Lehi, but it was nice to be somewhere where I felt like I belonged and where I love to go. I bought a couple new cd's to try to help lift my spirits, and a new book that I am about half way through. It's called "In Trying Times, Just Keep Trying" by Merrilee Boyack. She is one of my favorite speakers, and I have been privileged to be able to hear her speak several times. This book is not as light hearted as her other material, but it has sure resonated with me. I am really glad I got it. I have also really enjoyed the cd's. I got the new Mercy River cd, and another one I forget the name of that is a compilation cd that I have the first one of. They are both great. I will come back and add the name of the second cd when I look at it next. Anyway, they have helped some, but I still really feel overcome with depression. I know that depression is something that I have struggled with in the past, and I have even been on medication for it, but I feel like this is different. Like the life has been sucked out of me. I don't know what to even say or do. I just know that I hope I can figure a way to get out of this funk soon, because there is so much to do around here and not getting it done is stressing me out almost as much as doing it.