Tuesday, August 23, 2011

My Grandma

Today my Grandma Greer had cancer surgery. It has been really stressful knowing that she was going to have to have it, and I am glad that everything went great. I am so thankful that she had her surgery not only at one of the top cancer hospitals in the world, but at the hospital my husband works at. John was able to go back with her and keep her company until she went to sleep. He couldn't stay for the actual surgery, since you're not allowed to operate on people you're related to. It was nice being able to get updates from him throughout the day on how her case was going, and what was going on.

I know this is an older picture from Christmas, but I just think it's a really cute one. :)

John told me a really cute story. He said that before my grandma got put under she was saying she wished she could have a little drink of something to wet her lips. Of course, he told her they couldn't allow that. Then he told my grandpa that he should wet his lips, and give her a big wet kiss to help her out. And he did! Haha! My grandparents are so cute. :)

While it makes me sad that they had to take the nerve along her left side of her jaw when they took the tumor out, I am thankful that she was operated on by one of the best surgeons in the state. John said that they did an amazing job on the closure too, and that it was going to look really good when it is all healed. I am hoping to go visit her in the next day or so. I told her that Hayden and I would come by and visit while the other kids are in school, so it's not too overwhelming. She has to stay there for 10 - 14 days, so I'm glad I live so close so I will be able to stop by periodically and keep her company. (That's assuming I don't have this baby in the near future, but so far it's not looking likely.)

I love my grandma so much. It makes me sad to see my grandparents getting old and frail. I know I am lucky. Most people my age don't still have their grandparents, and I still have all 4. I think it has just been a reality check for me that they won't really be around forever. I know when I was younger I used to joke to my grandma that she couldn't die, because she had to be around for my kids because I didn't want them to miss out on knowing her. Now with all the health issues she has, and the fact that she is losing her memory, it makes me sad to know that my kids are going to miss out on the amazing grandma that I knew. The one that used to tell me all the cool storied about when she was a little girl, and stories about my mom, and sing songs to me all the time. There is one song that she sang all the time, an Irish lullaby, and I have sung it to all my kids all the time since they were born. I want to pass stuff on to them like that. So they can sing it to their kids one day, even though they missed out on hearing it from my grandma. I miss being able to sit and talk to my grandma for hours about just anything. I know that I can sit and talk with her now, but it's not the same. She's not that same person anymore, and she gets confused or doesn't remember stuff all the time. She is excited about the baby though. It was nice to have her rub my stomach and talk to her while I was over last night. She was really excited to know that she's a girl, and that I will bring her over as soon as I have her and I can come over.

I'm glad that we went over there last night, before she had her surgery today. I wasn't going to, because I didn't want to stress her out with all the kids like my extended family seems to keep insisting, but John said I should because she was having major surgery and you never know what will happen. While I was mad that he would say something like that, I'm glad I went over and spent the time with her. It was nice just to see her, and hug and kiss her, and visit for a while. The kids behaved, and I know that she likes seeing them even if she can't always remember who each of them is. She is still so happy to see them and so loving to them. I want them to be able to have some time with her while they can. I am so glad that I pushed John to apply for the job out here and move here. I really feel like this whole cancer ordeal has a lot to do with why we felt we were supposed to come out here. While the thought of losing her, or any of my other grandparents, scares me, I am thankful that I live so close to all of them now and can get as much time with them as I can while I can. And I'm thankful to know that no matter what happens, after this life we will have all of eternity to be together.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Today is turning out to be a hard day. I feel bad for Hayden being home with me while the other 6 kids are at school, because my depression is just sucking the life out of me. This morning I just talked to a friend on skype, while I sat on the floor with Hayden and he played with some cars. I guess I can't really say I was talking to my friend. More like I had her on skype (without my video on) and was halfheartedly listening to her talk while I sat there. I didn't really have anything to say, and I didn't particularly want to talk, but I didn't want to be like hey I don't feel like talking or listening to you.
I feel like I could just sit here crying and doing nothing for hours. I am trying to hold it together and act normal, because Hayden and Amelia are eating lunch and I figure I can be a whack job while they're napping, without freaking anyone else out. I really hate this. I am in my last few weeks of this pregnancy, and I just want to be enjoying getting ready for this little girl to get here. Instead I feel like I'm sitting around like a zombie. Her room is still untouched, other than curtains and a crib. Her dresser is still sitting out in the landing in the upstairs hall, waiting for me to want to paint it. Her clothes are still sitting in laundry baskets in my bedroom, folded with the tags still on. It makes me sad, because with all my other kids I was set up and 100% ready by like 7 months, and here I am at almost 37 weeks and not only do I not have everything ready, I just don't care. I have no energy/motivation to do anything. I was talking to my friend, and she asked me if I was going to have John break my water at 37 weeks like we did with Amelia and Hayden. (Before anyone freaks out, my husband is a surgical tech and worked in L&D for over 7 years, and delivered babies/assisted in c-sections all day, every day) I told her what's the point. I don't care when I have her, because I don't have anything to do with my kids when I go to the hospital. While I really don't want to have her term (because John starts school 2 days before my due date) between the depression, and the lack of anyone to watch my kids, I just don't care. I'm not ready for her to be here anyway. As much as I have been exhausted and in pain, I just don't feel like things will be better after she's born. I mean, if things are going so bad now, I can just assume they're going to be worse post partum, right? Because right now I'm not even excited for her to be born, and that's just making me more sad.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

A Teenager?!!

So, today Tyler turned 13. How crazy is that? I told John it doesn't make me as old as he is, since I didn't give birth to him, but I have had him for more than half his life and he still makes me feel old. Ha!
We had our usual family party tonight, and John's mom joined us via skype for singing and cake. It was funny because before the party Tyler told her that he didn't feel like a teenager yet, but before bed he came to me and said now he felt like he was a real teenager. I told him maybe it was because we had the party, so it had sunk in now that he was really 13. It really cracked me up.
For his birthday I tried to get him everything he asked for. It wasn't a lot, and it wasn't super expensive, so I did my best. I spent a little over what John had agreed to, but it was only like $10 and I didn't feel bad because 13 is a big birthday.
For his birthday he got 4 books (3 of them are a series), 2 belts, a pair of flip flops, and a skateboard. He was super excited because everything he got was stuff he had asked for. After opening all the books he told me excitedly,"Now I won't be bored doing my reading for school for at least a couple months!" I doubt it will be that long, since he is as book obsessed as I am, but I'm glad he's so excited to have and read them.







For his cake he asked for a camping themed cake, so I did my best. I am by no means a cake decorator, and I have actually only made my kids' cakes a couple times, so it wasn't very impressive. Still, it must have been good enough for him because when we sat down to sing Happy Birthday and have cake, he told me it was the best cake he had ever had. And that's the most important part.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Amelia's First Day of Kindergarten

I had to do another separate post for Amelia, since today was her first day of school ever. She was so excited she could hardly contain herself all morning! I thought I was going to be all sad dropping her off, but once we got to her class I didn't have time. She was like bye mom and dad, and then flew into her classroom and sat down at her desk, where she immediately began coloring a welcome picture that was waiting for her. No nervousness or hesitation at all. I guess it helps that she will be one of the oldest (if not the oldest) in her class, since the cut off date here is Aug. 31, and her birthday is the end of September. She has been MORE than ready to go, and I felt bad last year that she had to wait, because if we had still been in California she would have gotten to go. However, I am happy that she was so ready to go and not scared. I saw some kids there crying and not wanting their parents to leave, so I'm glad she was just like see ya! I know I totally would have cried if she had even acted like she was a little sad having us leave her there. Instead, I snapped one quick picture of her at her table, and we were on our way.

Super excited to be at school!

First Day of School!

Today is the kids' first day of school, so as usual I had to take a picture of each of them before we headed out the door. They were all super excited to go (although I don't think anyone could have been as excited as Amelia, since she started Kindergarten today). It was pretty funny just how excited they were. I got up a little after 7, and as I headed to go upstairs and wake them all up, I found them all sitting on the couches in the living room all dressed and ready to go. It totally cracked me up! I know that won't last very far into the school year. haha!
I can't believe how big they are getting. This was the first year that I didn't walk the older 3 to their classes. It was nice that John was able to come with us, because even though he couldn't switch his days off, his work let him come in early when he told them it was Amelia's first day of Kindergarten. We all walked together into the school, but then I let the kids go their own way. Hailey and Austin went together, because even though they're in different grades, their classes are directly across the hall from each other. Tyler, who started 7th grade, headed to the cafeteria to get his schedule, and then off to 1st period. I dropped Brooklyn and Camren off at the 3rd grade bldg. where they went to their separate classes, with Brooklyn upstairs and Camren downstairs, and then we headed to take Amelia to kindergarten.

Tyler - 7th Grade

Hailey - 6th Grade

Austin - 5th Grade

Camren - 3rd Grade

Brooklyn - 3rd Grade

Amelia - Kindergarten

Thursday, August 11, 2011

I've Got My Brooklyn Back!!

Tonight my parents got into town with Brooklyn, to return her to me after having her for the last 6 weeks. I have to admit I was like a little kid at Christmas. John laughed at me, because when my dad sent me a text and said they would be to my house in 10 minutes, I was sitting on the living room couch 9 minutes later peering out the front blinds waiting for them to pull up. As soon as they did, I was out the door and squeezing her guts out! Boy I missed her! It was weird not having her around, and everywhere I went I always had to remind myself she wasn't here because I kept thinking I was missing or forgetting her. After getting all her stuff in the house, my parents and I visited while my mom and I went through all her new stuff. I can't believe how much new stuff that spoiled girl came home with. Well, I can, but holy cow! I guess she was on the verge of not fitting the clothes I took her with, so she came home with an entire new wardrobe plus all the things I had left with her! It took 4 laundry baskets to hold all the stuff I took out of suitcases and bags. On the upside, she will be all set for when school starts next week. I am so glad to have her home, and have my family complete again. I think I will be squeezing her guts out for the rest of the week!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

7th Grade Walk Through

Tonight we went to the 7th grade Meet the Teacher night for Tyler. Man we're starting to feel old! It is crazy thinking that John and I have a 7th grader, but at least we don't have to deal with Jr. High. Our school is Kindergarten through 8th grade, so I will be able to have all the kids at one school for a couple more years. I dread the day I have to start driving to multiple schools every day.

Anyway, for the first 30 minutes it was a walk through in the cafeteria where we just went to different stations to talk to people about P.E. uniforms and electives and stuff. It is a little weird since they are still part of the elementary school. The kids take an elective that exposes them to a bunch of different things for the first semester, instead of picking a particular one, unless there is a specific one they want to be in like art or band. I was SO happy after talking to the band teacher! Last year, when we moved here, I had the kids ask about band and they said they were told that it was too late because they hadn't started in band from the beginning. I thought how unfair that was, because this is the first school they have gone to that offered band as part of the curriculum and not an after school activity that you have to pay for. Fortunately, after talking to Mr. O, I found out that is not the case. It will be harder for them, since Austin, Hailey and Tyler are in 5th, 6th, and 7th grade, but he said if they really want to do it and are willing to put in the effort, he is more than glad to work with them and do whatever it takes to help them to get caught up. Thank goodness Brooklyn and Camren will be able to go straight into band next year without being behind! So John and I are going to figure out what will happen about that. We have to rent instruments, and of course none of them want to play the same thing, but at least your rental fees build equity toward the purchase of a nice instrument, instead of them being a waste every month. I told Tyler he had until the end of the week to decide if he wants to do band or not. It will be hard and require a lot of dedication from him to practice and get caught up with everyone else, but I think he could do it if he wants to. I figured I would let him think about it for a couple days because it is a big commitment, and I am not going to enroll him in it just so he can decide he doesn't want to do it after a few weeks.

The last hour we rotated through the 4 core teacher's classes: Math, History, Language Arts, and Science. All the 7th graders have the same 4 teachers, and they just rotate throughout the day. It was nice to meet teachers, and hear their teaching philosophies and plans for the year. I think Tyler is in for a rude awakening when it comes to their discipline system, but I think it will be really good for him. Instead of each class disciplining individually, they all stay in contact throughout the day and the discipline is cumulative. That means you might get a warning in 1st period, a written warning in 2nd period, and if you don't behave in your next class it could land you in detention. He has always had a major behavior problem at school (bothering other students, touching/taking their stuff, refusing to do work, etc) that I think this will be really good for him.

We also found out how much more strict they are about class/home work. After hearing from the 4 teachers, John and I told him he better really buckle down and take his work more seriously or he is going to end up failing. They have homework every night, Monday through Friday (Something I had told him before, but I don't think he believed me. haha), and you're expected to have your homework out and ready to turn in and if you don't, you get a zero. That's it. I am SO glad, I can't even tell you! He is famous for lying about having homework, or "forgetting it" or whatever, so I think that should put an end to that real quick, once he realizes his teachers aren't going to give him second chances and extensions like he has managed to get most of the time in the past. Also, the teachers each have a class website where I can not only look up his exact homework every night, but I can see every grade for every assignment he does. I think things are looking up for this year already! Ha!


Monday, August 8, 2011

Depressing Post About Depression

*** I have been struggling for a while, and just wanted to get everything out, so this is just a warning that if you don't want to hear about depression or anything like that, you can just skip this post. ***

Lately my depression has been really hard on me. I feel like I am either totally down and in a black hole, or just yelling and being a total wench. I keep telling myself I only have like 5 weeks or less to go, but in the moment that doesn't really do anything. I know that I am going to have to talk to my Dr. about it on Wednesday, but I don't know what it will really matter. I can't take anything while I'm pregnant, and I'm only 35 weeks on Wednesday so it's not like I can have her early so I can start taking something to get this under control. I just feel kinda hopeless right now. I feel like it's always right on the edge. Like just sitting here typing this I could totally bawl my eyes out, if I just let myself.
I try to find stuff to do, to try and keep myself preoccupied so I don't dwell on how I'm feeling too much, but it is really hard because I feel so overwhelmed with all the stuff I need to do before the baby is born. Or maybe I should say, all the things I *feel* like I need to have done before she gets here. I have a whole list, and I think I have maybe a couple things crossed off. I can't even look at it because I just feel even more overwhelmed and stressed out, and it's like a downward spiral. It makes me worried, because if I am doing so bad now, how much worse am I going to be once she is born? I have struggled with PPD with all my kids. With Hayden it was really bad, but I also went back to school when he was only 4 months old so that added to the stress. It got to where John and I were fighting all the time, I was a jerk to everyone, I quit going to church for like 7 months. I even got another tattoo. I'm talking a big one too, like almost across my shoulder blades. I just really felt like I was out of control. Sometimes we would be driving somewhere and stop and a light, and I would seriously consider just stepping out of the car in to traffic. I felt like I just wanted to climb out of my skin. But I don't remember really struggling with my depression while I was pregnant in the past. I mean, I have struggled with depression as long as I can remember, but I always felt like while pregnant it wasn't even a tenth as bad as it usually is. Also, I think the added excitement of a boy (finally! after 3 girls!) really pushed me through. But after he was born I became even more compulsive than I normally am (and I am total OCD). I held him every second unless I was going to the bathroom or showering, I had to check on him literally every 5 minutes, etc. I tried a couple different meds. to see if they would help with my depression/anxiety, but they made me not sleep. I felt like I was on speed. I was constantly jittery and I could end up being up until 5 in the morning. Let me just tell you, Depression + Anxiety + Jittery + No Sleep= EXTREMELY BAD! That's where I think things started to go downhill. Then the next med. I tried was the opposite. I felt like a zombie. I could barely function or get out of bed. I would be awake enough to make sure the kids were ready and out the door to school (luckily they could walk, since we lived a block away) and then I would go back to bed and I could literally spend the whole day there. I would just bring Hayden to my bed to nurse and snuggle, and then put him back to bed and fall back into a coma. I could barely make it to get up and dressed before the kids got home from school and John got home maybe 1/2 an hour later, sometimes right when they got home. I took one more that seemed to help, or at least didn't affect my consciousness in the extreme that the other 2 did, but eventually I just gave up and quit taking anything.
This time around, with it affecting me so much through my pregnancy, I really worry about afterward. I have no way of knowing if post labor I will be doing better or worse, but if it is worse it is going to be a nightmare. So, as I said I will talk to my Dr. on Wednesday and see what he has to say. Maybe if we go into this expecting it to be awful, we will be able to have a plan to deal with it.
The other thing that is stressing me out is that John starts back to school next month. His actual start date is 2 days before my due date. I don't have any plans to go to my due date, because if it comes down to it, pretty much any Dr. will induce you at 39 weeks. Especially since this is baby #5 for me. But still, it is going to be added stress of him working full time and going to school. Plus the schedule he is going to have is 2 weekdays, plus every Saturday. So pretty much I am going to be a single mom of 8 kids, ages newborn to 13. I haven't said anything to John, because I know how important this is. We really need him to finish school. I know that it won't just be hard on me, since working full time and going to school is so hard to do, but I just have to remind myself of that and suck it up because once he's done it is going to at least double our income, if not more. I had really hoped that I would be able to convince my mom to come and stay with me when I have the baby, and for a little while after, but so far she has said she's not going to. It's frustrating to me because I don't have anyone here that will be helping me. I don't even know what I'm going to do with my kids when I have to be in the hospital. I guess I will just have to leave them home to watch themselves, but it freaks me out because I have no idea how long I will end up being in labor and I don't like the idea of Hayden being home with the kids for a long period of time. But I don't know anyone to watch them, and I don't know what else to do. Maybe it makes me a jerk, but it makes me mad that my mom hasn't agreed to come out here and watch them. She doesn't work and she doesn't have anything else she has to be doing instead, she just won't. So apparently she thinks it's better for me to leave my 23 month old home with 6 older siblings ages 5 - 13, for who knows how long, than for her to have to come out here. It is stressing me out so much I feel like I am going to cry and freak out just writing this. I told John maybe we will have to bring Hayden to the hospital with us, because how could I relax and make it through labor knowing that he was without an adult for that long? I couldn't! I don't know my neighbors, and I don't have any friends here, so that's not an option. Maybe I will have to bring them all with me, and they will just have to hang out with John in the waiting room, and he can come back and forth between there and my room. I don't know. I guess if it comes down to it, that would be better to me than leaving them at home. There is no one here that I would want to watch my kids, so I don't see what other choice there is.
Ok, well that is all I am going to write for now because now that I am looking at this in black and white, instead of just trying to ignore the thoughts in my head, it is stressing me out even more and I am going to start crying and have a major anxiety attack.