A Teenager?!!

So, today Tyler turned 13. How crazy is that? I told John it doesn't make me as old as he is, since I didn't give birth to him, but I have had him for more than half his life and he still makes me feel old. Ha!

We had our usual family party tonight, and John's mom joined us via skype for singing and cake. It was funny because before the party Tyler told her that he didn't feel like a teenager yet, but before bed he came to me and said now he felt like he was a real teenager. I told him maybe it was because we had the party, so it had sunk in now that he was really 13. It really cracked me up.

For his birthday I tried to get him everything he asked for. It wasn't a lot, and it wasn't super expensive, so I did my best. I spent a little over what John had agreed to, but it was only like $10 and I didn't feel bad because 13 is a big birthday.

For his birthday he got 4 books (3 of them are a series), 2 belts, a pair of flip flops, and a skateboard. He was super excited because everything he got was stuff he had asked for. After opening all the books he told me excitedly,"Now I won't be bored doing my reading for school for at least a couple months!" I doubt it will be that long, since he is as book obsessed as I am, but I'm glad he's so excited to have and read them.

For his cake he asked for a camping themed cake, so I did my best. I am by no means a cake decorator, and I have actually only made my kids' cakes a couple times, so it wasn't very impressive. Still, it must have been good enough for him because when we sat down to sing Happy Birthday and have cake, he told me it was the best cake he had ever had. And that's the most important part.

Amelia's First Day of Kindergarten

I had to do another separate post for Amelia, since today was her first day of school ever. She was so excited she could hardly contain herself all morning! I thought I was going to be all sad dropping her off, but once we got to her class I didn't have time. She was like bye mom and dad, and then flew into her classroom and sat down at her desk, where she immediately began coloring a welcome picture that was waiting for her. No nervousness or hesitation at all. I guess it helps that she will be one of the oldest (if not the oldest) in her class, since the cut off date here is Aug. 31, and her birthday is the end of September. She has been MORE than ready to go, and I felt bad last year that she had to wait, because if we had still been in California she would have gotten to go. However, I am happy that she was so ready to go and not scared. I saw some kids there crying and not wanting their parents to leave, so I'm glad she was just like see ya! I know I totally would have cried if she had even acted like she was a little sad having us leave her there. Instead, I snapped one quick picture of her at her table, and we were on our way.

Super excited to be at school!

First Day of School!

Today is the kids' first day of school, so as usual I had to take a picture of each of them before we headed out the door. They were all super excited to go (although I don't think anyone could have been as excited as Amelia, since she started Kindergarten today). It was pretty funny just how excited they were. I got up a little after 7, and as I headed to go upstairs and wake them all up, I found them all sitting on the couches in the living room all dressed and ready to go. It totally cracked me up! I know that won't last very far into the school year. haha!

I can't believe how big they are getting. This was the first year that I didn't walk the older 3 to their classes. It was nice that John was able to come with us, because even though he couldn't switch his days off, his work let him come in early when he told them it was Amelia's first day of Kindergarten. We all walked together into the school, but then I let the kids go their own way. Hailey and Austin went together, because even though they're in different grades, their classes are directly across the hall from each other. Tyler, who started 7th grade, headed to the cafeteria to get his schedule, and then off to 1st period. I dropped Brooklyn and Camren off at the 3rd grade bldg. where they went to their separate classes, with Brooklyn upstairs and Camren downstairs, and then we headed to take Amelia to kindergarten.

Tyler - 7th Grade

Hailey - 6th Grade

Austin - 5th Grade

Camren - 3rd Grade

Brooklyn - 3rd Grade

Amelia - Kindergarten

I've Got My Brooklyn Back!!

Tonight my parents got into town with Brooklyn, to return her to me after having her for the last 6 weeks. I have to admit I was like a little kid at Christmas. John laughed at me, because when my dad sent me a text and said they would be to my house in 10 minutes, I was sitting on the living room couch 9 minutes later peering out the front blinds waiting for them to pull up. As soon as they did, I was out the door and squeezing her guts out! Boy I missed her! It was weird not having her around, and everywhere I went I always had to remind myself she wasn't here because I kept thinking I was missing or forgetting her. After getting all her stuff in the house, my parents and I visited while my mom and I went through all her new stuff. I can't believe how much new stuff that spoiled girl came home with. Well, I can, but holy cow! I guess she was on the verge of not fitting the clothes I took her with, so she came home with an entire new wardrobe plus all the things I had left with her! It took 4 laundry baskets to hold all the stuff I took out of suitcases and bags. On the upside, she will be all set for when school starts next week. I am so glad to have her home, and have my family complete again. I think I will be squeezing her guts out for the rest of the week!

7th Grade Walk Through

Tonight we went to the 7th grade Meet the Teacher night for Tyler. Man we're starting to feel old! It is crazy thinking that John and I have a 7th grader, but at least we don't have to deal with Jr. High. Our school is Kindergarten through 8th grade, so I will be able to have all the kids at one school for a couple more years. I dread the day I have to start driving to multiple schools every day.

Anyway, for the first 30 minutes it was a walk through in the cafeteria where we just went to different stations to talk to people about P.E. uniforms and electives and stuff. It is a little weird since they are still part of the elementary school. The kids take an elective that exposes them to a bunch of different things for the first semester, instead of picking a particular one, unless there is a specific one they want to be in like art or band. I was SO happy after talking to the band teacher! Last year, when we moved here, I had the kids ask about band and they said they were told that it was too late because they hadn't started in band from the beginning. I thought how unfair that was, because this is the first school they have gone to that offered band as part of the curriculum and not an after school activity that you have to pay for. Fortunately, after talking to Mr. O, I found out that is not the case. It will be harder for them, since Austin, Hailey and Tyler are in 5th, 6th, and 7th grade, but he said if they really want to do it and are willing to put in the effort, he is more than glad to work with them and do whatever it takes to help them to get caught up. Thank goodness Brooklyn and Camren will be able to go straight into band next year without being behind! So John and I are going to figure out what will happen about that. We have to rent instruments, and of course none of them want to play the same thing, but at least your rental fees build equity toward the purchase of a nice instrument, instead of them being a waste every month. I told Tyler he had until the end of the week to decide if he wants to do band or not. It will be hard and require a lot of dedication from him to practice and get caught up with everyone else, but I think he could do it if he wants to. I figured I would let him think about it for a couple days because it is a big commitment, and I am not going to enroll him in it just so he can decide he doesn't want to do it after a few weeks.

The last hour we rotated through the 4 core teacher's classes: Math, History, Language Arts, and Science. All the 7th graders have the same 4 teachers, and they just rotate throughout the day. It was nice to meet teachers, and hear their teaching philosophies and plans for the year. I think Tyler is in for a rude awakening when it comes to their discipline system, but I think it will be really good for him. Instead of each class disciplining individually, they all stay in contact throughout the day and the discipline is cumulative. That means you might get a warning in 1st period, a written warning in 2nd period, and if you don't behave in your next class it could land you in detention. He has always had a major behavior problem at school (bothering other students, touching/taking their stuff, refusing to do work, etc) that I think this will be really good for him.

We also found out how much more strict they are about class/home work. After hearing from the 4 teachers, John and I told him he better really buckle down and take his work more seriously or he is going to end up failing. They have homework every night, Monday through Friday (Something I had told him before, but I don't think he believed me. haha), and you're expected to have your homework out and ready to turn in and if you don't, you get a zero. That's it. I am SO glad, I can't even tell you! He is famous for lying about having homework, or "forgetting it" or whatever, so I think that should put an end to that real quick, once he realizes his teachers aren't going to give him second chances and extensions like he has managed to get most of the time in the past. Also, the teachers each have a class website where I can not only look up his exact homework every night, but I can see every grade for every assignment he does. I think things are looking up for this year already! Ha!

Depressing Post About Depression

*** I have been struggling for a while, and just wanted to get everything out, so this is just a warning that if you don't want to hear about depression or anything like that, you can just skip this post. ***

Lately my depression has been really hard on me. I feel like I am either totally down and in a black hole, or just yelling and being a total wench. I keep telling myself I only have like 5 weeks or less to go, but in the moment that doesn't really do anything. I know that I am going to have to talk to my Dr. about it on Wednesday, but I don't know what it will really matter. I can't take anything while I'm pregnant, and I'm only 35 weeks on Wednesday so it's not like I can have her early so I can start taking something to get this under control. I just feel kinda hopeless right now. I feel like it's always right on the edge. Like just sitting here typing this I could totally bawl my eyes out, if I just let myself.

I try to find stuff to do, to try and keep myself preoccupied so I don't dwell on how I'm feeling too much, but it is really hard because I feel so overwhelmed with all the stuff I need to do before the baby is born. Or maybe I should say, all the things I *feel* like I need to have done before she gets here. I have a whole list, and I think I have maybe a couple things crossed off. I can't even look at it because I just feel even more overwhelmed and stressed out, and it's like a downward spiral. It makes me worried, because if I am doing so bad now, how much worse am I going to be once she is born? I have struggled with PPD with all my kids. With Hayden it was really bad, but I also went back to school when he was only 4 months old so that added to the stress. It got to where John and I were fighting all the time, I was a jerk to everyone, I quit going to church for like 7 months. I even got another tattoo. I'm talking a big one too, like almost across my shoulder blades. I just really felt like I was out of control. Sometimes we would be driving somewhere and stop and a light, and I would seriously consider just stepping out of the car in to traffic. I felt like I just wanted to climb out of my skin. But I don't remember really struggling with my depression while I was pregnant in the past. I mean, I have struggled with depression as long as I can remember, but I always felt like while pregnant it wasn't even a tenth as bad as it usually is. Also, I think the added excitement of a boy (finally! after 3 girls!) really pushed me through. But after he was born I became even more compulsive than I normally am (and I am total OCD). I held him every second unless I was going to the bathroom or showering, I had to check on him literally every 5 minutes, etc. I tried a couple different meds. to see if they would help with my depression/anxiety, but they made me not sleep. I felt like I was on speed. I was constantly jittery and I could end up being up until 5 in the morning. Let me just tell you, Depression + Anxiety + Jittery + No Sleep= EXTREMELY BAD! That's where I think things started to go downhill. Then the next med. I tried was the opposite. I felt like a zombie. I could barely function or get out of bed. I would be awake enough to make sure the kids were ready and out the door to school (luckily they could walk, since we lived a block away) and then I would go back to bed and I could literally spend the whole day there. I would just bring Hayden to my bed to nurse and snuggle, and then put him back to bed and fall back into a coma. I could barely make it to get up and dressed before the kids got home from school and John got home maybe 1/2 an hour later, sometimes right when they got home. I took one more that seemed to help, or at least didn't affect my consciousness in the extreme that the other 2 did, but eventually I just gave up and quit taking anything.

This time around, with it affecting me so much through my pregnancy, I really worry about afterward. I have no way of knowing if post labor I will be doing better or worse, but if it is worse it is going to be a nightmare. So, as I said I will talk to my Dr. on Wednesday and see what he has to say. Maybe if we go into this expecting it to be awful, we will be able to have a plan to deal with it.

The other thing that is stressing me out is that John starts back to school next month. His actual start date is 2 days before my due date. I don't have any plans to go to my due date, because if it comes down to it, pretty much any Dr. will induce you at 39 weeks. Especially since this is baby #5 for me. But still, it is going to be added stress of him working full time and going to school. Plus the schedule he is going to have is 2 weekdays, plus every Saturday. So pretty much I am going to be a single mom of 8 kids, ages newborn to 13. I haven't said anything to John, because I know how important this is. We really need him to finish school. I know that it won't just be hard on me, since working full time and going to school is so hard to do, but I just have to remind myself of that and suck it up because once he's done it is going to at least double our income, if not more. I had really hoped that I would be able to convince my mom to come and stay with me when I have the baby, and for a little while after, but so far she has said she's not going to. It's frustrating to me because I don't have anyone here that will be helping me. I don't even know what I'm going to do with my kids when I have to be in the hospital. I guess I will just have to leave them home to watch themselves, but it freaks me out because I have no idea how long I will end up being in labor and I don't like the idea of Hayden being home with the kids for a long period of time. But I don't know anyone to watch them, and I don't know what else to do. Maybe it makes me a jerk, but it makes me mad that my mom hasn't agreed to come out here and watch them. She doesn't work and she doesn't have anything else she has to be doing instead, she just won't. So apparently she thinks it's better for me to leave my 23 month old home with 6 older siblings ages 5 - 13, for who knows how long, than for her to have to come out here. It is stressing me out so much I feel like I am going to cry and freak out just writing this. I told John maybe we will have to bring Hayden to the hospital with us, because how could I relax and make it through labor knowing that he was without an adult for that long? I couldn't! I don't know my neighbors, and I don't have any friends here, so that's not an option. Maybe I will have to bring them all with me, and they will just have to hang out with John in the waiting room, and he can come back and forth between there and my room. I don't know. I guess if it comes down to it, that would be better to me than leaving them at home. There is no one here that I would want to watch my kids, so I don't see what other choice there is.

Ok, well that is all I am going to write for now because now that I am looking at this in black and white, instead of just trying to ignore the thoughts in my head, it is stressing me out even more and I am going to start crying and have a major anxiety attack.

It's A ?

John and I went to the Dr. for my 18 week ultrasound to find out what we were having. We were so excited! John really wanted to do a surprise to find out, where none of us found out ahead of time and we could get a cake at a bakery that would have pink or blue cake inside. Unfortunately for John, I am WAY too impatient for that. So we had a compromise of us finding out at the appointment, and then I baked a cake at home to surprise the kids with tonight after dinner. Before the cake we took a vote. Of course all the boys voted boy, and all the girls voted girl.

Yep, it's a girl! Looks like we will be even again after all. Hailey was the most excited, because she called it all the way back in January when we found out we were having another baby, and never wavered once.